Pandora

[MissKiss]

i was waiting around at the fountain of youth
but the line was too long
and i already know the secret
so i wandered around with wayward eyes
until i stumbled upon the temple of chaos
i knelt with scarred knees in front of the alter of indulgence
ive sacrificed my life to this savage deity
who has always laughed callously at my offerings
but perfectly practiced lies
become gospel
i found my way to the shrine of forgotten truth
and cleared away the overgrowth to stare into an unrecognizable reflection
this secret truth held tightly to my chest
will always be more powerful than the darkness
but i conceal it with the sideways smile of a natural born killer
while you dance along praising your budding religion
saving your new found soul
unaware of the magnitude of my reality
that i posses the power to evoke catastrophes and awaken long-dead gods
oblivion sits imprisoned behind my teeth
awaiting my pronunciation to set it free
each syllable would destroy your artful web of insincerity

but now is not the time
you are not ready to be free

[TheLittleGuy]

i was waiting around at the fountain of youth
but the line was too long
and i already know the secret
so i wandered around with wayward eyes
until i stumbled upon the temple of chaos
i knelt with scarred knees in front of the alter of indulgence
ive sacrificed my life to this savage deity
who has always laughed callously at my offerings
but perfectly practiced lies
become gospel
i found my way to the shrine of forgotten truth
and cleared away the overgrowth to stare into an unrecognizable reflection
this secret truth held tightly to my chest
will always be more powerful than the darkness
but i conceal it with the sideways smile of a natural born killer
while you dance along praising your budding religion
saving your new found soul
unaware of the magnitude of my reality
that i posses the power to evoke catastrophes and awaken long-dead gods
oblivion sits imprisoned behind my teeth
awaiting my pronunciation to set it free
each syllable would destroy your artful web of insincerity

but now is not the time
you are not ready to be free

I don't know much about poems, I'm a newbie myself, but in my opinion, you should rhyme more of the sentences and keep them shorter.
Impressive language though.

[Ela]

Hi,

I felt kind of lost the first time I read it, but with every time re-reading it, it became more clear and I really like the mood it creates.
I love how it describes a philosophical or emotional search in a physical way in the first half - especially like how the places go with the actions: waiting - fountain of youth, stumble -temple of chaos, kneel - alter of indulgence, found - temple of forgotten truth.
I don't really understand this line: "will always be more powerful than the darkness
but i conceal it with the sideways smile of a natural born killer"
As I understand it the narrator keeps the truth he has found at the temple to himself, concealed from the people who are still in the places of the first half of the poem - correct me if I'm wrong. But I still don't really understand what the two mentioned lines want to say. What darkness and why the smile of a "natural born killer"?

Overall I really like your poem, I don't think the sentences should be shorter (imho the slightly longer sentences are very fitting to the philosophical theme) and I really enjoy the images this creates in my head.

[MissKiss]

I don't really understand this line: "will always be more powerful than the darkness
but i conceal it with the sideways smile of a natural born killer"
As I understand it the narrator keeps the truth he has found at the temple to himself, concealed from the people who are still in the places of the first half of the poem - correct me if I'm wrong. But I still don't really understand what the two mentioned lines want to say. What darkness and why the smile of a "natural born killer"?

thanks for the feedback to me this is about a powerful, destructive truth- in opposition to absolution or forgiveness. so the line 'i conceal it with the sideways smile of a natural born killer" is saying that things aren't always what they seem- the speaker isn't innocent but she knows the truth.

the little guy- thanks for the feedback and read but not all poetry rhymes. rhyming isn't really my jam.

[Ela]

Thanks for the explanation. Towards the end the language does convey it as something negative...

that i posses the power to evoke catastrophes and awaken long-dead gods
oblivion sits imprisoned behind my teeth
awaiting my pronunciation to set it free
each syllable would destroy your artful web of insincerity

I especially love the last line of this!
I think what confused me initially was this

this secret truth held tightly to my chest
will always be more powerful than the darkness

Describing the truth as more powerful than the darkness makes me think of it as something positive and I still don't fully understand it. Is "more powerful than the darkness" meant as something positive or negative (as in even worse than darkness)?

I have to say, I'm usually someone who prefers rhyming poetry, but I really enjoy reading this over and over again. For me, it paints pictures of ancient greece and reminds me of my latin and philosphy classes

[milo]

I don't really understand this line: "will always be more powerful than the darkness
but i conceal it with the sideways smile of a natural born killer"
As I understand it the narrator keeps the truth he has found at the temple to himself, concealed from the people who are still in the places of the first half of the poem - correct me if I'm wrong. But I still don't really understand what the two mentioned lines want to say. What darkness and why the smile of a "natural born killer"?

thanks for the feedback to me this is about a powerful, destructive truth- in opposition to absolution or forgiveness. so the line 'i conceal it with the sideways smile of a natural born killer" is saying that things aren't always what they seem- the speaker isn't innocent but she knows the truth.

the little guy- thanks for the feedback and read but not all poetry rhymes. rhyming isn't really my jam.

it is weird because around here a "sideways smile" is an expression for a woman's butt. Now that I realize that is not the case, the meaning has changed profoundly!!

[MissKiss]

ela- thank you for all the feedback and love i guess i was thinking more like bringing something into the light, something inevitable. but, i didn't think that deeply in that line maybe i should change it around.

milo- hahaha here a sideways smile can be a term for a vagina but not a common one (an uncommon usage not an uncommon vagina)