06-19-2013, 06:49 AM
I'm going to crit myself here, then post a revision at the top.
I think the reason why the first version without the middle section seemed detached was that I didn't begin by establishing a connection between me and Lincoln other than to say I "had" him. I didn't show the reader anything I saw and did- something to establish my interest in him, the way that expecting parents pore over black and white ultrasound photos, or listen to a heartbeat. I've added some lines at the beginning to correct that.
I think the reason why the first version without the middle section seemed detached was that I didn't begin by establishing a connection between me and Lincoln other than to say I "had" him. I didn't show the reader anything I saw and did- something to establish my interest in him, the way that expecting parents pore over black and white ultrasound photos, or listen to a heartbeat. I've added some lines at the beginning to correct that.