Starved

[YazH]

(Edit 11/2)
Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clings to its mother
Moldy hair with the stink of sweat
Their dusty skin soldered with dirt

The groans of smoke in the air
Echo along the bricked walls
Obscuring every exit,
Smelling of sweet tangerine,
Seducing lost wanderers
This is no asylum.

Twitters of spider legs
The scratching of the joking mistress (Grating)
Laughing
Her friend who bangs the columns
In to the “music of voice” that only he can hear.

The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges where only light can follow

Her only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
She aches. Missing her moment.

The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy?

**********
Eeek! I feel like I either improved it alot or destroyed it -__-. I kind of wanted to change out scratching to grating buuuutt I already added, deleted, replaced like half of it, and yeah. And then, that "Laughing" line. I have no idea what to do with it but I don't want to get rid of it either. Thoughts to think.


(Original Posting)
Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clinging to its mother
Moldy hair with the stank of sweat
And dusty skin with the imprints of dirt
Unable to ever be clean.

The groans of smoke in the air
Echo along the bricked walls
Hiding every exit and opening every entrance
This is no asylum.

The twitters of spider legs
The scratching of the joking mistress
Laughing without rhyme and reason
Her friend who bangs the columns
In to the music of voice that only he can hear.

The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges of which only light can follow

The only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
It echoes light and then disappears.

The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy?


*******

It's a part of collection I'm writing. It has to do with unattractive imagery maybe a touch of insanity.

I know there are many issues with my writing but I wanted to kind of learn more about how the forum works through this. So,
FIRST POST, completed

[rowens]

Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clinging to its mother
Moldy hair with the stank of sweat
And dusty skin with the imprints of dirt
Unable to ever be clean.


I like the odd way you have the first line, though it isn't seen after you post it. There's some kind of way to post it like you want though. It looks ugly, but it seems appropriate. You could say stink instead of stank. The last line, or the last two, aren't very effective; they kind of are a let down.

The groans of smoke in the air
Echo along the bricked walls
Hiding every exit and opening every entrance
This is no asylum.

This stanza is weakened by the first two lines. Too many ofs so far.



The twitters of spider legs
The scratching of the joking mistress
Laughing without rhyme and reason
Her friend who bangs the columns
In to the music of voice that only he can hear.

More ofs. And it's becoming more fragmented, though you might want that. Disconnected, and the wording getting awkward.



The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges of which only light can follow

Of doesn't feel right here. But what do you mean? Should it be of or for, or something else altogether?



The only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
It echoes light and then disappears.

The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy?

The ending of the poem almost makes it. It doesn't have a strong enough lead up though. Too many ofs and awkward wording. The awkward wording might be some effect you're going for though.

[Leanne]

First up, hi there Yaz and thanks so much for jumping in with some great participation on other threads -- we love that . Now let's take a look at this poem.

Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clinging to its mother -- you could try "clings" instead
Moldy hair with the stank of sweat -- I'm not sure if this is a dialect difference but I don't think I've seen "stank" as a noun before, only as the past tense of "stink".
And dusty skin with the imprints of dirt
Unable to ever be clean. -- awkward phrasing, could be fixed with something like "that can never be cleaned" or "removed". Personally though, I think this is a lot of time to spend on building a fairly straightforward simile and it might be that this couple of lines could go.

The groans of smoke in the air -- I enjoy the synaesthesia of smoke groaning, which is continued with "echo" in the next line
Echo along the bricked walls
Hiding every exit and opening every entrance -- maybe "obscuring" instead of "hiding", because I first misread it as "hiding in". Also, I'm not sure that "opening every entrance" is successful in conveying the idea that this is a one-way trip, as why would smoke encourage anyone to enter?
This is no asylum.

The twitters of spider legs -- you can do without "the" in this line
The scratching of the joking mistress -- but leave it in this one for variation
Laughing without rhyme and reason -- "rhyme and reason" is a cliche, to be avoided at all costs
Her friend who bangs the columns -- I don't think "who" serves any purpose
In to the music of voice that only he can hear. -- interesting idea but this is not a well-constructed line -- you end up with some slightly twisted grammar and that's dangerous ground for us simple poetry reading folk

The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges of which only light can follow -- I really like this idea but "of which" could be replaced with "where" to make this less convoluted -- remember that poetry should be spoken aloud so it's perfectly ok to follow "speaking" grammar instead of "writing" grammar

The only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
It echoes light and then disappears. -- you're burying some pretty images in lots of unnecessary words -- how can you say this more economically?

The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy?


*******

It's a part of collection I'm writing. It has to do with unattractive imagery maybe a touch of insanity.

I know there are many issues with my writing but I wanted to kind of learn more about how the forum works through this. So,
FIRST POST, completed

You have some excellent ideas but they're being lost in convoluted structures that don't really serve any purpose. Think about how to achieve maximum effect with minimum words -- which is not the same as minimalism, it's just about economy. This will get easier with practise and it's terrific to see you having a good go at it!

[Amulus]

Starved
Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clinging to its mother
Moldy hair with the stank of sweat
And dusty skin with the imprints of dirt
Unable to ever be clean.

You have sure captured the unattractive imagery in this opening!

The groans of smoke in the air
Echo along the bricked walls
Hiding every exit and opening every entrance <---- I feel like the and is unneeded in this line.
This is no asylum.

The twitters of spider legs
The scratching of the joking mistress
Laughing without rhyme and reason
Her friend who bangs the columns
In to the music of voice that only he can hear.

The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges of which only light can follow

The only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
It echoes light and then disappears.

The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy? <---- powerful ending.

I agree with the previous posts, there are a few to many "ands" and (irony!) (ofs) that kind of make it a bit akward to read. However fantastic imagery, it really does capture the unattractive imagery you are looking for! I look forward to more from you.

[YazH]

Thank you all!!!! I knew it needed some work but I'm still a noob xO. I tried to incorporate as much of the critiques as I could.

[Leanne]

Hi Yaz... yep, it's looking stronger. You could try "the scratch of the joking mistress" to get rid of an -ing repetition. What about "laughter (grating)"?

Great to see you workshopping!

[bena]

The one thing that bothers me about the revision is the personal pronoun "their" in the first stanza with no clear idea of who "they" are. (Yes, I'm a grammar freak)

Usually, a personal possessive pronoun such as this would go back to the nearest noun, but that's obviously not you what want in this case. In fact "the" bones, then "their" skin bothers me, I'd rather it be consistent even if you don't introduce me to subjects for these pronouns to belong to.

You are definitely headed in the right direction and it's getting much stronger. Now we just need to change that title (too drab, boring)
even something like emaciation would liven things up.

Good workshopping going on.

bena

[ChristopherSea]

(Edit 11/2)

Hi, welcome to the site YazH. Some thoughts on your piece:

Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clings to its mother 'gnaws' and 'clings' are not alike, do you mean:
Hunger clings to the bones
Like a bratty child to its mother
Moldy hair with the stink of sweat 'moldy' and 'sweat' don't really compliment one another. Try something like, 'Mildewed' hair with the stink of 'dampness'
Their dusty skin soldered with dirt 'dust/dirt' can't 'solder', but metal does
The groans of smoke in the air how about reversing, 'the air groans from the smoke'
Echo along the bricked walls
Obscuring every exit,
Smelling of sweet tangerine,
Seducing lost wanderers period
This is no asylum.

Twitters of spider legs what's a twitter, are the 'legs' online? 'twitches' would serve better
The scratching of the joking mistress: (Grating) scratch the 'scratching' and move 'grating' and 'laughter': 'Laughter of the joking mistress grated'
Her friend who bangs the columns
In to the “music of voice” that only he can hear. we can't hear the "music of voice" either, what is it, why the quotes?

The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges where only light can follow I like this

Her only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
She aches. Missing her moment. and this

The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy? the hungry hunger for nothing for what could satisfy who with what?? perhaps clarify!!


Who have a lot of editing to do. What are you really trying to say? Condense this to make your point. You didn't wreck it, but you need to do more to improve it.


[/b]Eeek! I feel like I either improved it alot or destroyed it -__-. I kind of wanted to change out scratching to grating buuuutt I already added, deleted, replaced like half of it, and yeah. And then, that "Laughing" line. I have no idea what to do with it but I don't want to get rid of it either. Thoughts to think.


(Original Posting)
Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clinging to its mother
Moldy hair with the stank of sweat
And dusty skin with the imprints of dirt
Unable to ever be clean.

The groans of smoke in the air
Echo along the bricked walls
Hiding every exit and opening every entrance
This is no asylum.

The twitters of spider legs
The scratching of the joking mistress
Laughing without rhyme and reason
Her friend who bangs the columns
In to the music of voice that only he can hear.

The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges of which only light can follow

The only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
It echoes light and then disappears.

The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy?


*******

It's a part of collection I'm writing. It has to do with unattractive imagery maybe a touch of insanity.

I know there are many issues with my writing but I wanted to kind of learn more about how the forum works through this. So,
FIRST POST, completed