06-18-2013, 12:56 AM
Hi svanhoeven - I think there is a great poem in here - yes, it lies in the last stanza.
What's important ...
the veiled foot and open door too soon (nice - not nice but good)
Stroke her hair and look away - you did
You tried to look at her wet, twisting face
but saw blood on pinkish skin
The boy slipped out, too young.
He died.
You think of the time Lincoln lived and
wonder if he heard and felt before they cut the cord
But you regret doing what you were told
I did what I was told. For what?
A "sterile field"? (which I don't really understand)
But if I think the nurses' hands
were there to work and not to love—
God damn!
I should've shoved my arm
through all that fuss between the stirrups
where he died
and put a hand upon my son
to say, "Daddy loves you, go in peace."
I think you should keep it all in that awful, regretted moment around the bed. I think you should start with the most arresting part - a nurse telling you to keep your eyes fixed on your wife's face - the attempt to do so, but then you say you saw "it" the pink. My son - did he hear and see before they cut the cord? Why did I do what they said (look at this bit again ... love, hands, sterile field wasn't clear) Why didn't I touch him? put a hand on and say "daddy loves you go in peace"
This is what I would suggested. And since I am on the verge of tears it seems to have some impact. Apart from the bits I have mentioned which I don't understand and the bits I have excised, I really like the language in the rest of it.
Hope that helps
Takooba
What's important ...
the veiled foot and open door too soon (nice - not nice but good)
Stroke her hair and look away - you did
You tried to look at her wet, twisting face
but saw blood on pinkish skin
The boy slipped out, too young.
He died.
You think of the time Lincoln lived and
wonder if he heard and felt before they cut the cord
But you regret doing what you were told
I did what I was told. For what?
A "sterile field"? (which I don't really understand)
But if I think the nurses' hands
were there to work and not to love—
God damn!
I should've shoved my arm
through all that fuss between the stirrups
where he died
and put a hand upon my son
to say, "Daddy loves you, go in peace."
I think you should keep it all in that awful, regretted moment around the bed. I think you should start with the most arresting part - a nurse telling you to keep your eyes fixed on your wife's face - the attempt to do so, but then you say you saw "it" the pink. My son - did he hear and see before they cut the cord? Why did I do what they said (look at this bit again ... love, hands, sterile field wasn't clear) Why didn't I touch him? put a hand on and say "daddy loves you go in peace"
This is what I would suggested. And since I am on the verge of tears it seems to have some impact. Apart from the bits I have mentioned which I don't understand and the bits I have excised, I really like the language in the rest of it.
Hope that helps
Takooba