Lines of Communication

[billy]

there feels to be some redundancies in the poem but i'm not sure if they need to be removed, the you and i in the first line make it more specifically a couple in a relationship as opposed to being merely friends.
the way the poem is set up makes the wordiness work much better than it should. while i got the feeling of strangers (the looking out the window when she looks up) it does feel like there's a relationship at play and after reading you comment i'm not sure that's what you intended.
it gave me a sense of being bored and in a long term silence that comes when you know everything about someone.

thanks for the read.

We should be able to talk this one out, you and I.
In this space and time we move together;
but things in common? Well, we have nothing.
Will that do? I could talk to you about that.
I like the way you smile when you read,
I can’t help it. I could watch you until
you look up. Look at me. I’m not looking at you.
I’m looking at the window. the first line of the stanza feels weak, i was wondering if this line would make a better starting point, above the able to talk line?

We should be able to say hello without suggesting more
than one word should reasonably mean. I’ll start. the the enjambment doesn't work well for me, a suggestion would be putting 'any' in from or 'more' [any more] or maybe another way.
No. You start. It’s better if this process begins in your head.
Crazy people talk to strangers and I am not crazy;
but if you say hello, well, I think you should know is but needed?
that I won’t think less of you.
I can see you in the window but now and then I lose you
to a tree or a black stone wall. i like these last two line because they place you in something that's moving, i like the images of the last line and how it could be city and countryside.

We can’t go on like this. We really must talk. I need you...
to tell me why you smile whenever you read your book;
but I shouldn’t ask. Hey, you did it again. I can see the corners
of your mouth out of the corner of my eye. You are not reading.
Hello is coming…I almost said it. A bridge just passed by. hello is coming; is it a place or an utterance? can it be said in a more defined way?, another reference that lets us know you're both travelling.
Bridge and moment link and both are down the line.
Well, that’s just fine. Say nothing. We’ll just sit here.
“Hello”. “Oh, hello, I was just thinking….”


Tectak
June 2013