06-13-2013, 02:53 AM
Quote:I used to dream of having a piss
instead of having to go in the cold.
Maybe you could change "having a piss" to "taking a piss" to avoid the repetition of "having" in the above two lines, though I sense there might be a trans-atlantic difference in that phrase.
When I woke up, I was still bursting,
so I got out and weed.
I've never seen the past tense of "wee" in that sense. It took me a second to recognize it. Let's see.. knee, kneed. Yep, it works. Very nice.
But it was another dream.
One night I sleep-peed in my chest-of-drawers.
Those Februaries
before double-glazing, <-- unnecessary comma
and central heating.
This is an incomplete sentence unless you prepend an "Ah," in which case you are reminiscing. Or you could prepend an "In", change the period to a comma, and join it with what follows.
We had to dress in front of the fire
to spare the pain of cold, bare flesh.
At night, indoors wasn’t enough <-- the semicolon should go here (independent clause)
you had to be in something else; <-- probably should be a colon, since you're introducing a list.
two jumpers,
two pairs of socks
a rug, two blankets.
I suggest you switch this order so that the absurd punchline comes last. "two blankets, a rug."
Cracks let in ice jets of air.
"Ice" needs to be the adjective "icy", unless icicles are shooting in.
I still have to be sealed
hermetically
under the duvet.
Clouds of steam
from the hot tap,
the draining potatoes;
I'm having trouble imagining this. Maybe you mean a pot draining water after boiling potatoes, or they're dripping and steaming in a colander after boiling.
sheets of crystal spreading
over the inside of sash windows…
Oh yes, I can feel that freezing cold. Nice image.
The coal man wrestling unruly sacks
brought us joy to feed the Aga
I'm guessing "Aga" is a stove or furnace? My fault, I'll google it.
for a nightly life-bath.
I would prod the logs in the fireplace
for a crackle and glow,
wishing I could take one to bed.