RAGE! (revised)

[kevinawh@gmail.com]

review indicated no hope but i'm a sucker for lost causes.

*EDIT 1*


Unbearable pain has lift the veil from my eyes.
Oh, God of gods I see thee now.
You care not for worship nor tribute
nor paeans of praise.
While faithful have only prayers for solace,
butchers rest slyly in slips of fine linen.
So let us know you by your covenant kept;
"I am the lord thy God and thou shalt die".

For Death, not deliverance is your tacit promise
and not man's adoration, but his cold remains
your desire.
Omnipotent, celestial devourer
Unbearable pain has lift the veil from my eyes.
and I see your true form -

God is a maggot


*original*

Unbearable pain has lift the veil from my eyes.
Oh, God of gods I see thee now.
You care not for worship nor tribute
nor songs of praise.
Yet, while the faithful in huddled rags lie,
Butchers rest well in slips of fine linen.
So let us know thee by thy one covenant kept;
"I am the lord thy God and thou shalt die".

For Death, not deliverance is the truth of your grace
and not man's adoration, but his rotting flesh
that satiates you.
Omnipotent, celestial devourer
Unbearable pain has lift the veil from my eyes.
and I see your true form -

God thou art a maggot.

[tectak]

Unbearable pain has lift the veil from my eyes.
Oh, God of gods I see thee now.
You care not for worship nor tribute
nor songs of praise.
Yet, while the faithful in huddled rags lie,
Butchers rest well in slips of fine linen.
So let us know thee by thy one covenant kept;
"I am the lord thy God and thou shalt die".

For Death, not deliverance is the truth of your grace
and not man's adoration, but his rotting flesh
that satiates you.
Omnipotent, celestial devourer
Unbearable pain has lift the veil from my eyes.
and I see your true form -

God thou art a maggot.

Quite hopelessly buried in cliches. Mock bible-esque language introduced randomly to no good effect and without any discernable reason save to indicate to the reader the paucity of expression throughout this piece.
Conceptually it indicates an immaturity of thinking but more specifically a lack of reading...any part of this which is borderline comprehensible has been said a thousand times before...and the incomprehensible remainder is not worth saying once.
The lofty aim of the piece seems unachievable by the writer. Having said that, perhaps reposting in Novice would bring the necessary surgical skills to bear on the cadaver, for I fear that only a post mortem would help to bring closure...not looking forward to the second coming.
Best,
tectak

[kevinawh@gmail.com]

well darn, you're comments give me some good ideas on what to work on but perhaps it is beyond salvaging.

[tectak]

well darn, you're comments give me some good ideas on what to work on but perhaps it is beyond salvaging.

Hi kevin,
Good egg...but only you can decide on rescue.The subject matter overwhelms your ability (and mine) to make a go of this. Others, many others, have given it a go. So it is all a cliche...but you make it worse by not, apparently, seeing the fact. I have read another piece by you. It shames this effort. I think that is praise where due
Best,
tectak

---

review indicated no hope but i'm a sucker for lost causes.

*EDIT 1*


Unbearable pain has lift the veil from my eyes. unbearable pain, borne. Oxymoron and cliche. Veil from eyes...cliche.
Oh, God of gods I see thee now. god of gods..cliche. What year is this BC?
You care not for worship nor tribute
nor paeans of praise.
While faithful have only prayers for solace,
butchers rest slyly in slips of fine linen. some good words in last few lines but why bring the poor sausage maker into disrepute?
So let us know you by your covenant kept;
"I am the lord thy God and thou shalt die". Who said that? He's beeehhhiiiinnnddd you. Pure pantomime. Arthur Brown would have loved this

For Death, not deliverance is your tacit promise means next to nothing and less as you capitalise death
and not man's adoration, but his cold remains
your desire. Read this. It makes little sense
Omnipotent, celestial devourer
Unbearable pain has lift the veil from my eyes repeating a cliche adds fo its clicheness.
and I see your true form -

God is a maggot best line thus far but disconnects from omnipotent celestial devourer rather abruptly
See further comments next posting.
Best,
tectak


*original*

Unbearable pain has lift the veil from my eyes.
Oh, God of gods I see thee now.
You care not for worship nor tribute
nor songs of praise.
Yet, while the faithful in huddled rags lie,
Butchers rest well in slips of fine linen.
So let us know thee by thy one covenant kept;
"I am the lord thy God and thou shalt die".

For Death, not deliverance is the truth of your grace
and not man's adoration, but his rotting flesh
that satiates you.
Omnipotent, celestial devourer
Unbearable pain has lift the veil from my eyes.
and I see your true form -

God thou art a maggot.