06-10-2013, 07:45 AM
(06-10-2013, 07:24 AM)Brownlie Wrote:well, it is a common promotion but you are correct there isn't really an overwhelming need for promotion as there is no antithesis of demon's whispering other places. "in my ears" as a phrase is probably superfluous. Of course, the promotion was there before I tinkered as was the wordiness, I was just offering a metric correction.(06-10-2013, 06:10 AM)milo Wrote:(06-10-2013, 12:29 AM)Zerric Wrote: O how I dream of raven tresses,It is mostly pretty good, you have managed to establish a meter and stick to it for 9 lines. The ninth line you could easily fix with dsomething like "ofDa demDum onDa whisDum persDa inDum? myDa ear Dum" or something.
Soft brown eyes that leave me breathless,
Angelic hands, and dainty feet,
A smile like sunshine, bringing me
Light in the darkness of my heart,
A love so pure, with no regard,
Of the demons who whisper in my ears,
O! How I hold this lass so dear!
I was kinda going for a little archaic feel in the poem...
I don't know about "in" as a dum

