Lass
#9
(06-10-2013, 07:24 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  
(06-10-2013, 06:10 AM)milo Wrote:  
(06-10-2013, 12:29 AM)Zerric Wrote:  O how I dream of raven tresses,
Soft brown eyes that leave me breathless,
Angelic hands, and dainty feet,
A smile like sunshine, bringing me
Light in the darkness of my heart,
A love so pure, with no regard,
Of the demons who whisper in my ears,
O! How I hold this lass so dear!


I was kinda going for a little archaic feel in the poem...
It is mostly pretty good, you have managed to establish a meter and stick to it for 9 lines. The ninth line you could easily fix with dsomething like "ofDa demDum onDa whisDum persDa inDum? myDa ear Dum" or something.

I don't know about "in" as a dum
well, it is a common promotion but you are correct there isn't really an overwhelming need for promotion as there is no antithesis of demon's whispering other places. "in my ears" as a phrase is probably superfluous. Of course, the promotion was there before I tinkered as was the wordiness, I was just offering a metric correction. Thumbsup
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Messages In This Thread
Lass - by Zerric - 06-10-2013, 12:29 AM
RE: Lass - by heisenborg - 06-10-2013, 05:17 AM
RE: Lass - by milo - 06-10-2013, 06:10 AM
RE: Lass - by tectak - 06-10-2013, 06:16 AM
RE: Lass - by milo - 06-10-2013, 06:19 AM
RE: Lass - by Brownlie - 06-10-2013, 07:24 AM
RE: Lass - by milo - 06-10-2013, 07:45 AM
RE: Lass - by Brownlie - 06-10-2013, 06:20 AM
RE: Lass - by milo - 06-10-2013, 06:22 AM
RE: Lass - by peterjohnson68 - 06-11-2013, 11:47 AM
RE: Lass - by R.C. KITCHENS - 06-12-2013, 03:55 PM



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