06-09-2013, 03:43 PM
That the day come
and my dreams in drudgery
will never worry for the fury
and never run, for the sun-
he comes, oh he comes![i]
I like your original version better
and think if you change one of the "never" above
to "not" it will read better.
[i]But in this midnight chamber
her words come forth first:
"No matter shadows dim or bright
when the sickness of the heart
leads you always to the night.
No matter your level of dark
when sinning is a natural art"
I think you could take "but" out and in the first line
You come for me, do you not?
You warm father, fast and hot.
To save me from myself tonight,
to teach me love, wrong and right.
I think you could lose "you" in the second line and it would read great and maybe "to" in the line following.
and my dreams in drudgery
will never worry for the fury
and never run, for the sun-
he comes, oh he comes![i]
I like your original version better
and think if you change one of the "never" above
to "not" it will read better.
[i]But in this midnight chamber
her words come forth first:
"No matter shadows dim or bright
when the sickness of the heart
leads you always to the night.
No matter your level of dark
when sinning is a natural art"
I think you could take "but" out and in the first line
You come for me, do you not?
You warm father, fast and hot.
To save me from myself tonight,
to teach me love, wrong and right.
I think you could lose "you" in the second line and it would read great and maybe "to" in the line following.