06-08-2013, 03:09 AM
I hope this isn't considered bumping a post or that isn't considered bad here.
Some issues with the poem:
The number of syllables in each line vary, but usually there are seven or eight. Should I even them out, or keep it 'free'? Any bad rhythm?
The first stanza is honestly bad word choice, but I like the rhyme. I should probably rewrite it. Also the second "for" is used as a conjuction and I'm not sure if that's obvious to the reader. Can you tell the first line is a Yeats reference? Ha. I don't know if it helps the poem in any way.
Is it weird to describe the sun as "warm father, fast and hot"?
Some issues with the poem:
The number of syllables in each line vary, but usually there are seven or eight. Should I even them out, or keep it 'free'? Any bad rhythm?
The first stanza is honestly bad word choice, but I like the rhyme. I should probably rewrite it. Also the second "for" is used as a conjuction and I'm not sure if that's obvious to the reader. Can you tell the first line is a Yeats reference? Ha. I don't know if it helps the poem in any way.
Is it weird to describe the sun as "warm father, fast and hot"?