06-02-2013, 10:30 AM
I think my favorite line is the first one. I think it kind of puttered into a decline after that.
These particular lines are my least favorite:
"snug inside their sheets.
Awakened by our sleeping minds,"
I think they both can be removed, to be honest. They're not really saying much.
Also this: "forgotten smiles you’ve saved." You should find a better way to end this poem. This right here sounds like a Papa Roach song.
Overall you did well with the rhymes, they don't necessarily seem forced, but rather they are gentle. I say you start from scratch, use the first line of this poem and go somewhere else with it. Maybe somewhere more interesting?
-S
These particular lines are my least favorite:
"snug inside their sheets.
Awakened by our sleeping minds,"
I think they both can be removed, to be honest. They're not really saying much.
Also this: "forgotten smiles you’ve saved." You should find a better way to end this poem. This right here sounds like a Papa Roach song.
Overall you did well with the rhymes, they don't necessarily seem forced, but rather they are gentle. I say you start from scratch, use the first line of this poem and go somewhere else with it. Maybe somewhere more interesting?
-S
I'll be there in a minute.