Everyone’s an artist,
snug inside their sheets.
Awakened by our sleeping minds,
subconscious finds its feet.
Dancing like a plastic bag
caught in a gust of wind,
expanding like a child’s balloon
unfolding from within.
Fragmented dreams
when you were young,
still linger to this day.
Inside the mind
grand paintings hung,
forgotten smiles you’ve saved.
Everyone’s an artist,
I don't know if it is a cliche, but it sounds like one to me
snug inside their sheets.
Awakened by our sleeping minds,
subconscious finds its feet.
Dancing like a plastic bag
caught in a gust of wind,
expanding like a child’s balloon
unfolding from within.
Fragmented dreams
when you were young,
I don't think you need the comma
still linger to this day.
Inside the mind
grand paintings hung,
Same here
forgotten smiles you’ve saved.
I like it altogether, I think it's really sweet and vivid. If you were to change something, I'd make it a bit longer - add a stanza or two about memories or such.
(06-01-2013, 01:43 AM)Wjames Wrote: [ -> ]Everyone’s an artist,
snug inside their sheets.
Awakened by our sleeping minds,
subconscious finds its feet.
Dancing like a plastic bag
caught in a gust of wind,
expanding like a child’s balloon
unfolding from within.
Fragmented dreams
when you were young,
still linger to this day.
Inside the mind
grand paintings hung,
forgotten smiles you’ve saved.
When I was sleeping I dreamt there was a garden.
but when I got hungry there was only one fruit to eat.
And suddenly I saw the civil war
And suddenly I saw assembly lines and factories
Then they built an Atom Bomb
and I thought,
I must be dreaming
but I was awake
I had to be,
At 8
(06-01-2013, 01:43 AM)Wjames Wrote: [ -> ]Everyone’s an artist, it's the truth
snug inside their sheets.
Awakened by our sleeping minds,
subconscious finds its feet.
Dancing like a plastic bag im not to keen on the plastic bag, I'm thinking more on something that connects with the child's balloon, a paper thing that flies in the wind..I'm sorry that's just me..the word spoils the whimsy for me
caught in a gust of wind,
expanding like a child’s balloon
unfolding from within.
Fragmented dreams
when you were young,
still linger to this day.
Inside the mind
grand paintings hung, my favorite! The essence of the poem!
forgotten smiles you’ve saved.a fitting end! Positive. It left a smile on my face
I truly enjoyed this poem! It brings out the child from within, the magic of childhood recreated, revisited, " fragments" reinvented by the "artist" dreamer ! Thus, dreams heal us...( It could be nightmares and bad dreams, too! ) I opted for the brighter view. very Whimsical and vivid! Thanks for a lovely read!!!
I think my favorite line is the first one. I think it kind of puttered into a decline after that.
These particular lines are my least favorite:
"snug inside their sheets.
Awakened by our sleeping minds,"
I think they both can be removed, to be honest. They're not really saying much.
Also this: "forgotten smiles you’ve saved." You should find a better way to end this poem. This right here sounds like a Papa Roach song.
Overall you did well with the rhymes, they don't necessarily seem forced, but rather they are gentle. I say you start from scratch, use the first line of this poem and go somewhere else with it. Maybe somewhere more interesting?
-S
(06-01-2013, 01:43 AM)Wjames Wrote: [ -> ]Everyone’s an artist,
snug inside their sheets.
Awakened by our sleeping minds,
subconscious finds its feet.
Dancing like a plastic bag
caught in a gust of wind,
expanding like a child’s balloon
unfolding from within.
Fragmented dreams
when you were young,
still linger to this day.
Inside the mind
grand paintings hung,
forgotten smiles you’ve saved.
The topic of sleep is extremely important. I like done with love poem. The only thing that bothers me is the use of the term. Brilliant finale!
Everyone’s an artist,
snug inside their sheets.
Awakened by our sleeping minds,
subconscious finds its feet.
Dancing like a plastic bag
caught in a gust of wind,
expanding like a child’s balloon
unfolding from within.
Fragmented dreams
when you were young,
still linger to this day.
Inside the mind
grand paintings hung,
forgotten smiles you’ve saved.
I am a babe when it comes to poetry, so I don't even know if you could properly call this a critique, but personally, I Loved it. I have just begun to write and it seems the most difficult thing for me to achieve is for my writing to have what I think of as good "flow". For me this flowed wonderfully. It made me wistful for the times of adolescence. Those times prior to "the day the music died".
Thank you Wjames...
(06-01-2013, 01:43 AM)Wjames Wrote: [ -> ]Everyone’s an artist, got me in good opener
snug inside their sheets. a bit weak
Awakened by our sleeping minds,
subconscious finds its feet. nice
Dancing like a plastic bag great line
caught in a gust of wind, I knew this already as the bag was dancing
expanding like a child’s balloon
unfolding from within.
Fragmented dreams
when you were young,
still linger to this day.true
Inside the mind
grand paintings hung, nice image
forgotten smiles you’ve saved. good end made me wistful
I enjoyed your poem and the way you approached dreaming would like to see some more edgy lines to balance out the wistful ending. TOMH