05-27-2013, 12:05 AM
(05-26-2013, 05:27 PM)cidermaid Wrote:Hi AJ! Thank you so much for the detailed crit! I really appreciate it! Sorry about the confusion, I'm still new and only posted 1 poem last week so that's what I meant about being back hahaha
Hi tadaki...sorry about the level of crit. Just noticed this is in the novice rather than the mild i thought it was in.
appoligies AJ.
Your comments were really good and helped me see things from a different angle. I was referring to cliches in the first stanza but I hadn't even thought about twisting them later! I honestly just thought to list them in the second stanza with blatant disregard because that's how I feel about them hahaha I might try to come up with something new now that you mention it (LOLZ at ben's cream drizzled cookies
)Yes you're completely right that I started having trouble with the rhythm of the 3rd stanza and that's why it got so wordy haha. The last line was jarring on purpose because what I really was trying to get at was an underlying contempt for some "a perfect little sunny day", which is probably the reason why I decided to go with brown cakes as well (which is highly unappetising, I agree hahah). That said I was worried I hadn't managed to convey that and would just end up with a really awkward last line.
which kinda happened anyway
hahah But I like your suggestions and am really grateful for it so please don't apologise for the detailed crit! The prev poem I posted got really good crit too but the more I tried to work it the worse it got and then I sort of abandoned it...I will try not to abandon this one hahah Thank you so much again AJ!
