I'm back and trying again with something new haha
I'll have a day where I'm all alone
Writing to some indie tune.
A day of cliches and artsy escapades
Where the irony of life shines through.
Of cookies and cream
And brown cakes on white plates;
Of chocolate and strawberry all funnily shaped,
To pierce with a fork and spoon.
Yea I'm gonna head down to some cafes
And try a glass of chai tea latte
And have myself one of those sunny little days
Where I just don't care about shit.
Too wordy? Too much tell and too little show? Tell me what u guys think haha
)
Hi tadaki,
I'm not familiar enough with your style of writing to know how this differs from what you normally write (if that is what you meant by your opening comment.. or I'm thinking perhaps it was a quip in referance to a previous poem recieving some hard knock comments. Either way...), well done for having (another) go and I offer my encouragment to keep on writing. There are some good things going on in here well worth the effort to workshop and develop. I' give you my thoughts on your first draft.
(05-26-2013, 01:56 PM)tadaki Wrote: [ -> ]I'm back and trying again with something new haha
I'll have a day where I'm all alone
Writing to some indie tune.
A day of cliches and artsy escapades
Where the irony of life shines through. This stanza really works well for me in terms of introducing the emotional state of the voice, which comes across as lazy day, reflective with a dusting of twinkle in the eye. I particularly liked the last line as I felt it poked fun at the concept of staying away from cliches. (this then led me to think that the rest of the poem might be a humerous twist on cliches)
Of cookies and cream Oh no sounds cliche but where is the twist or the humour gone? Is too staid and a bit boring. Try twisting it around to offer more image for the mind to wander along. Something along the lines of the naughty but nice what you can do with cream! : Ben's cream drizzled cookies
And brown cakes on white plates; Brown puts images of tedious and dull and flat into my head. Brown cakes do not sound particularly yummy or inviting to me. I want rainbow fairy cakes on my white plate or continue with the naughty but nice lines and give me: Cherry buns on big plates.
Of chocolate and strawberry all funnily shaped, You get the drift of my thoughts - play with your food a bit more! Although I like the funnily shaped it would be a shame to loose this...
To pierce with a fork and spoon. ...I think this is a good clean (
) end for the stanza and it can work a lot harder for you if the preceeding lines take a firm direction. Not necessarily the way i have gone in my thoughts - this is your poem. i think there is a lot of image potential in, pierce with fork and spoon
Yea I'm gonna head down to some cafes
And try a glass of chai tea latte
And have myself one of those sunny little days
Where I just don't care about shit. I like the ending and closure that this stanza gives to your poem But I really don't like the last line. The sentiment is ok but the tone feels wrong for the overall text and voice of the poem which has been almost genteel upto this point. (in my book refined smutty is defined as naughty but nice!) The last line sounds out of character. The rhyme of L1 & 2 sounds a bit forced as it is - this might be my mind slip with the chai tea latte which is a great (as in good) mental trip up. Finallt L1 & 3 are a bit wordy..but i think you knew this already from your end comments
Too wordy? Too much tell and too little show? Tell me what u guys think haha )
Overall I liked your poem. I think the first and last stanza work pretty well as they stand but I would like to see the middle stanza giving me something quite substantial in terms of images or mind play to make this poems stand out more.
Thanks for the read. look forward to reading any revisions you might make.
All the best AJ.
Hi tadaki...sorry about the level of crit. Just noticed this is in the novice rather than the mild i thought it was in.
appoligies AJ.
(05-26-2013, 05:27 PM)cidermaid Wrote: [ -> ]
Hi tadaki...sorry about the level of crit. Just noticed this is in the novice rather than the mild i thought it was in.
appoligies AJ.
Hi AJ! Thank you so much for the detailed crit! I really appreciate it! Sorry about the confusion, I'm still new and only posted 1 poem last week so that's what I meant about being back hahaha
Your comments were really good and helped me see things from a different angle. I was referring to cliches in the first stanza but I hadn't even thought about twisting them later! I honestly just thought to list them in the second stanza with blatant disregard because that's how I feel about them hahaha I might try to come up with something new now that you mention it (LOLZ at ben's cream drizzled cookies
)
Yes you're completely right that I started having trouble with the rhythm of the 3rd stanza and that's why it got so wordy haha. The last line was jarring on purpose because what I really was trying to get at was an underlying contempt for some "a perfect little sunny day", which is probably the reason why I decided to go with brown cakes as well (which is highly unappetising, I agree hahah). That said I was worried I hadn't managed to convey that and would just end up with a really awkward last line.
which kinda happened anyway
hahah But I like your suggestions and am really grateful for it so please don't apologise for the detailed crit! The prev poem I posted got really good crit too but the more I tried to work it the worse it got and then I sort of abandoned it...
I will try not to abandon this one hahah Thank you so much again AJ!
(05-26-2013, 01:56 PM)tadaki Wrote: [ -> ]I'm back and trying again with something new haha
I'll have a day where I'm all alone
Writing to some indie tune.
A day of cliches and artsy escapades
Where the irony of life shines through.
Of cookies and cream
And brown cakes on white plates;
Of chocolate and strawberry all funnily shaped,
To pierce with a fork and spoon.
Yea I'm gonna head down to some cafes
And try a glass of chai tea latte
And have myself one of those sunny little days
Where I just don't care about shit.
Too wordy? Too much tell and too little show? Tell me what u guys think haha )
What is this about? I would avoid rhyming that sounds forced. Maybe checking out some poetry on youtube would help you out. There are also audio tracks you can listen to on this website.