05-25-2013, 04:00 PM
Hi Mat,
This is one of those poems that reads like it has a deeper significance to the poet that just a few words arranged on a page.
it is always difficult to crit when there is a sense of personal pain going on. (Of course i might be wrong ...but i just get that feeling). However you have placed it in a crit section so I will offer a few thoughts.
The ryhmes are very simple, but for the first two stanzas they worked Ok in the context of a simple message of greif and loss, however the chliches came in thick and fast. (beautiful brain, shed a tear, ray of sunshine).
Sadly the rest of the poem did then loose my interest. I got bored of the word think ( no less than 13 repititions). Also the ryhmes got more forced.
Perhaps if you decide to workshop this you could consider different ways to tel me about this girl so that she will really be remembered through the words of your poem. As it stands I am left with nothing to visulise, she does not mean anything to me for me to think on because you have told me so little about her.
offered with compassion for any loss suffered
AJ.
This is one of those poems that reads like it has a deeper significance to the poet that just a few words arranged on a page.
it is always difficult to crit when there is a sense of personal pain going on. (Of course i might be wrong ...but i just get that feeling). However you have placed it in a crit section so I will offer a few thoughts.
The ryhmes are very simple, but for the first two stanzas they worked Ok in the context of a simple message of greif and loss, however the chliches came in thick and fast. (beautiful brain, shed a tear, ray of sunshine).
Sadly the rest of the poem did then loose my interest. I got bored of the word think ( no less than 13 repititions). Also the ryhmes got more forced.
Perhaps if you decide to workshop this you could consider different ways to tel me about this girl so that she will really be remembered through the words of your poem. As it stands I am left with nothing to visulise, she does not mean anything to me for me to think on because you have told me so little about her.
offered with compassion for any loss suffered
AJ.