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Daydreams and Wishes
Sitting on a wishing well,
wish and wish I may.
But my feet are getting soggy
and I’m running low on change.
Ive grown tired, clinging to their dreams,
been drying out up here!
My skins cracked, and it falls slowly down
waiting lightly on the water.
Sitting on a wishing well,
something shines below.
It makes me want to dive right in!
For how long will I pretend?
Posts: 18
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Joined: Aug 2012
(05-29-2013, 02:52 PM)FayandFire Wrote: Daydreams and Wishes
Sitting on a wishing well,
wish and wish I may.
my feet are getting soggy
and I’m running low on change.
Ive grown tired, clinging to their dreams,
I've been drying out up here!
My skins cracked, it falls slowly down
waiting lightly on the water.
Sitting on a wishing well,
something shines below.
It makes me want to dive right in!
For how long will I pretend?
lacks sustenance ends too abruptly. are you the wisher, the well, or a frog (from the story, The Frog Prince/cess)?
Posts: 134
Threads: 12
Joined: Mar 2013
The first stanza makes good sense, nothing wrong with it really. It introduces the situation well without being too in your face.
Ive grown tired,
ok, that's fine clinging to their dreams,
Who's dreams? You couldn't even guess as you didn't hint at anyone before this line.
I've been drying out up here!
You just said your feet were soggy
My skins cracked, it falls slowly down
waiting lightly on the water.
The last two lines don't make any sense because there's nothing to base them on
It's very unclear what the aim of your poem is. Is it about your dreams dying? You could write another stanza about who's dreams you are clinging to, it would be clearer to the reader then.
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
Posts: 6
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I liked the whimsy of this piece. The second stanza lost me. I wanted the rhyme scheme to follow the same beat in the third stanza. You brought new thoughts to wishes in wells
(Today 01:52 PM)FayandFire Wrote:
Daydreams and Wishes
Sitting on a wishing well,
wish and wish I may.
My feet are getting soggy
and I’m running low on change.
Sitting on a wishing well,
something shines below.
It makes me want to dive right in,
<<
>>??
Posts: 15
Threads: 3
Joined: May 2013
Word weaver I see what you mean thanks.
Unicorn- Thanks you brought up a lot of good detailed problems Clarity has never been my strong suit. I really like the last two lines of the second stanza but I know that doesn't always mean they work in the piece they came from. Also I had noticed the soggy cracked thing and almost changed it before I posted.
Alchemist- thanks for finding something nice to say =]
