05-24-2013, 12:08 PM
great to see 3 newbs dropping some feedback in. 
maybe the title could say just a bit more. i'm getting an incredulous feeling as to why she stays. on the other hand there's a sexist put down of the woman that works within the way a lot of guys are with women. it asks questions, i'd like to see an odd answer. even a rhetorical one. that said, the poem isn't bad, i enjoyed the read. it's great that you're managing to get some poetry in. ")
maybe the title could say just a bit more. i'm getting an incredulous feeling as to why she stays. on the other hand there's a sexist put down of the woman that works within the way a lot of guys are with women. it asks questions, i'd like to see an odd answer. even a rhetorical one. that said, the poem isn't bad, i enjoyed the read. it's great that you're managing to get some poetry in. ")
(05-23-2013, 02:59 AM)Wildcard Wrote: because you are just opinionated enough is just needed? the line feels like a stronger opener without it. if you want to use it would it be better as Just because yo....?
to make me feel as if I have won something
when you knuckle under to my oppression
in spite of your body
which looks better
in dim light this stanza for me epitomises love
on top
of liking you a lot
for being dumb enough to fuck with me do you mean fuck you or mess about with you? while i question the fact, i do like the ambiguity of it
instead of just leaving
so you can find someone who will lie to you
like any real lover would not sure this line works because it doesn't feel true. any real lover would surely tell the truth?