Untitled Poem
#4
(05-22-2013, 10:46 AM)mao Wrote:  Oh ghost! sing me your sorry song
with speed, for I must go ere long;
Do let me hear with bated breath
of deeds of men, of strife, of death.

"Was fast by here," that ghost did say,
"Where battle shook that awful day,
Where leagues of rough souls did depart,
Where grace found home in no man's heart.

"Oft had I heard such scenes unfold
in tales to frighten meek or bold,
yet to no glory did we climb,
ne'er of our names will voices chime. -- this line's mucked up your meter -- if you must stick to the archaic language and you don't mind inverting a bit of syntax (as it seems you don't), then I'd suggest "our names will ne'er in voices chime"

"The purple banners long retired,
Gen'rals' eyes showed not Ares' fire; -- to make this fit I think you're going to have to lose Ares -- you start on a trochee here (DUM-da) but the rest of the lines start on iambs (da-DUM) and for that reason, matching syllable counts make no difference. You might get away with "in gen'rals' eyes dimmed Ares' fire" or some such I suppose
was mud and men and death and me:
bards' songs impart not clemency. -- these two lines are lovely

"Believe not what the epics tell,
in them you hear not pain's harsh yell;
They're fit for only childrens' ears
and not to drive grown men to tears."
Overall, I do like it and it definitely shows that you have a flair for this sort of thing so I'm delighted to see you here. This poem has quite an heroic air about it and although the language is archaic it does match the subject matter. I know how hard it is to get those classics out of your mind and start writing in different directions, so hopefully you'll stay around to work through that and show us how you develop as a poet.

As for a title, you could always steal a quote from Milton to reference if you liked... perhaps something along the lines of "Who overcomes by force"... those who recognise it will enjoy it, and for those who don't, it would still make sense in relation to the poem
It could be worse
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Messages In This Thread
Untitled Poem - by mao - 05-22-2013, 10:46 AM
RE: Untitled Poem - by billy - 05-22-2013, 11:17 AM
RE: Untitled Poem - by mao - 05-22-2013, 11:24 AM
RE: Untitled Poem - by Leanne - 05-23-2013, 05:00 PM



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