05-18-2013, 01:15 PM
There's something about this that has made me return to it twice now, I think I get the most of it, although it took me a little longer to get on the lamb, never heard that expression before,(other side of pond) But overall I like what you're trying to say, the rhyming is a little bit out here and there but nothing too major.
I think if you could make the middle 2 stanzas more like the last stanza in terms of being less direct and obvious I think it would greatly improve it.
In the last stanza which is by far the strongest, I was kind of undecided about having 'senses' and 'senseless' close together, it looks wrong but then reading it aloud it sounds right which is more important. Also there could be a couple of meanings to that last stanza, I like the smoke and mirrors reference of illusion. Is the other bit a drugs reference?
Thanks for the read.
AR
I think if you could make the middle 2 stanzas more like the last stanza in terms of being less direct and obvious I think it would greatly improve it.
In the last stanza which is by far the strongest, I was kind of undecided about having 'senses' and 'senseless' close together, it looks wrong but then reading it aloud it sounds right which is more important. Also there could be a couple of meanings to that last stanza, I like the smoke and mirrors reference of illusion. Is the other bit a drugs reference?
Thanks for the read.
AR
wae aye man ye radgie