05-18-2013, 03:31 AM
Damn this formatting tried to get the bold thing right I'm used to using word
Behind the willow's curtain, -I almost think you could rename this poem Behind the Willow's curtain I would consider describing the willow and the actions of the narrator in more depth. Perhaps do this in a way that sounds like common parlance or even using blank verse like Robert Frost.
[b]tremulously I watched
as all voyeurs must,--[/b]I would consider removing the words about voyeurs the reader should be able to infer that the narrator is acting as a vouyer. Maybe even getting rid of the line as all voyeurs must would strengthen the poem.
[b]wanting to be caught.
You stood at water’s edge,-- Maybe give some more details about how she looked at the water's edge
seduced by summer winds;-- Does this alliteration go with the overall tone of the piece? Not sure myself
their pliable hands pressing against your outline
thrilled me, and I held you-- I would get rid of thrilled me
through light-dappled leaves.--Good way to describe the leaves of a willow
A twirl, a swirl;-- I would get rid of this line
you danced on the blades of the bank,
mirroring eddies in the water.-- This is good detail
With arms outstretched-- Maybe consider playing with the syntax to convey a more natural pattern of speech
to catch the cooling sun, --
you stepped through the silvered surface
till it lapped the curve of your calf.
I hid inside tree trunk's shade, -- I hid inside the shade of the tree trunk?
no screaming thought had room to breathe.
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing called
my brother's name.
--- I may have poor taste but these last lines seemed to come together more effectively. Don't know why you are bringing up your brother though. It seems as if there is a missing part of the narrative. Perhaps you have included enough information for the reader and I may have missed it.
All in all the poem reminded me of Robert Frost so I listened to Birches and then read over your poem. It could be just the image of a tree that led to my association. I don't think this poem is finished. [/b]
[
Behind the willow's curtain, -I almost think you could rename this poem Behind the Willow's curtain I would consider describing the willow and the actions of the narrator in more depth. Perhaps do this in a way that sounds like common parlance or even using blank verse like Robert Frost.
[b]tremulously I watched
as all voyeurs must,--[/b]I would consider removing the words about voyeurs the reader should be able to infer that the narrator is acting as a vouyer. Maybe even getting rid of the line as all voyeurs must would strengthen the poem.
[b]wanting to be caught.
You stood at water’s edge,-- Maybe give some more details about how she looked at the water's edge
seduced by summer winds;-- Does this alliteration go with the overall tone of the piece? Not sure myself
their pliable hands pressing against your outline
thrilled me, and I held you-- I would get rid of thrilled me
through light-dappled leaves.--Good way to describe the leaves of a willow
A twirl, a swirl;-- I would get rid of this line
you danced on the blades of the bank,
mirroring eddies in the water.-- This is good detail
With arms outstretched-- Maybe consider playing with the syntax to convey a more natural pattern of speech
to catch the cooling sun, --
you stepped through the silvered surface
till it lapped the curve of your calf.
I hid inside tree trunk's shade, -- I hid inside the shade of the tree trunk?
no screaming thought had room to breathe.
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing called
my brother's name.
--- I may have poor taste but these last lines seemed to come together more effectively. Don't know why you are bringing up your brother though. It seems as if there is a missing part of the narrative. Perhaps you have included enough information for the reader and I may have missed it.
All in all the poem reminded me of Robert Frost so I listened to Birches and then read over your poem. It could be just the image of a tree that led to my association. I don't think this poem is finished. [/b]
[