05-17-2013, 07:26 PM
I really like this, but I think it would really benefit from being tightened up a bit. A few more sentences/less and's. I think your style at times shines for e.g "When I awoke to heaven's golden prow/and knelt to skim the sea from silt" is a really nice introduction, the words roll beautifully (in my opinion) but other times sounds a bit odd (i.e the last lines) I agree with billy regarding the line ends, though the more I read it the more they seem to work. Maybe I'm just becoming familiar with it. Anyway, enjoyed this very much 