05-17-2013, 10:21 AM
some of the images are very good
in time-acne'd stone
and the line above are exceptional. there are many others.
the real problems i face when i read the poem though are enjambment and sentence length.
enjambment;
the virgin growth was choked by ancient. the content works well though i';m struggling to come to terms with an innate arrogance of the 1st person comparison to the gods. man-strength made me think of erect penis
it feels like there is a forced (unneeded pause) at line end, some other lines are the same.
the 1st sentence is between 60 and 70 words longs, i and i presume many readers usually need time to breath. that extended pause a period allows. i accept that some poems are robust enough to take us helter skelter but felt that this wasn't one of those.
in time-acne'd stone
and the line above are exceptional. there are many others.
the real problems i face when i read the poem though are enjambment and sentence length.
enjambment;
the virgin growth was choked by ancient. the content works well though i';m struggling to come to terms with an innate arrogance of the 1st person comparison to the gods. man-strength made me think of erect penis
it feels like there is a forced (unneeded pause) at line end, some other lines are the same.
the 1st sentence is between 60 and 70 words longs, i and i presume many readers usually need time to breath. that extended pause a period allows. i accept that some poems are robust enough to take us helter skelter but felt that this wasn't one of those.