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05-13-2013, 12:34 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-13-2013, 12:35 PM by billy.)
(05-13-2013, 11:35 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: Springtide aromas,
Peach Blossom, freshly cut grass,
petrol lawnmower.
solid, and clever, i wasn't expecting the modern touch, well done
Unexpected breeze
whips up a dusty frenzy
amid the Tulips.
whips is more senryu i think, creates would be suggest (maybe i'm being too picky 
) the last line has more than one meaning and makes a great cut.
Three small Chaffinches
perched on the fence, listen to
my guitar playing.
enjambment is usually only used before the cut and not as a poetic device as it seems to be here, (a suggest would be
Three small Chaffinches
listen while perched on the fence
i play my guitar)
you're getting really good at capturing the image AR enjoyed the three of them (they were pretty cool
)
