patet exposita ad oculos...( or where cliched rivers run) edit 0.001 brownlie

[Brownlie]

Alright we have a latin title, why use latin? What was the context of this quote is this phrase in circulation somewhere?
Devotions clasped in fingers waxed by molten Mary Magdelene;
incensed, she curls the smoke about as Proust shouts out,
all splendid clad, in golden garbs shrunk taught as skin
by iron-red steaming rain. -- Why Proust? I'm not too familiar with him. I've read he was bourgeois is that why he wears a golden garb. There is some internal rhyme and alliteration that makes it sound pretty cool

Skies slide by, shriven; crackling crisp and blowing dry
as Satan's breath. Neath burning blast her blisters burst
and ooze out holy spirit from the still and torpid vestements that
her God made fleeting flesh.
Again, I like the alliteration here, I'm still grasping at the meaning but that doesn't mean the meaning isn't there. I think you spelled vestments wrong but that is a paltry critique. The dry atmosphere is interesting.

The bulging bag of jagged bones jangles in a silent song where none
who hear have air to breathe or ears to sense the coming storm;
though flashed by fiery foment, fury stirs but aether, cold and thin.
None feel the changing wind.
The alliteration works well here there definately seems to be some flow here.
Moments pass in unremembered aeons, while tuneless trumpets blare away--- A reference to Gabriel?
the faith that once was safe. Harboured in the Bundled His, pulsing with
unskinned and hollow drums, she watched hot running rivulets return
to pool in cooling seas..

and yet the sea, it is not full.
(Ecclesiastes Ch.1, v.7)

tectakMay 2013

Alright, this was a fun poem to analyze. I would like to know what you wished to accomplish with this poem. What kind of rhythm were you striving for, and what message you were trying to relate? I'm not to familiar with the bible so that may have hindered my understanding. The poem may belong to the reader but I feel a more fruitful critique can arise when people know what you're trying to accomplish.