05-08-2013, 02:48 AM
I’ll do my best to give you good feedback but I’m fairly new at this
The Stream
Behind the willow's curtain, Good sensory detail with the willow
tremulously i watched Obviously, capitalize I unless your going for an e.e. Cummings sort of deal. A verb may be more powerful than an adverb here
as all voyeurs must, Hmm…
wanting to be caught.
You stood at water’s edge, Who is the you?
seduced by summer's wind Good consonance here but also somewhat lacking
it's pliable hands pressing. It’s? what is it?
Your outline thrilled me, Thrilled is weak maybe give a more concrete action
and I held you through light-dappled leaves. Light-dappled leaves is a good image
A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the blades of the bank, Are you talking about the river or a lover?
mirroring eddies in the water. Interesting comparison
With arms outstretched
to catch the cooling sun.
You stepped through the silvered surface More consonance
till it lapped the curve of your calf. Specific detail
I returned behind tree trunks shade,
no screaming thought had room to breathe. Somewhat abstract
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach Good move coming back to the beginning image
and splashing, called my name.
What is the purpose of this poem? You have presented some compelling images, but I do not know what the intent behind this poem is. Good luck and hopefully my comments are not redundant
The Stream
Behind the willow's curtain, Good sensory detail with the willow
tremulously i watched Obviously, capitalize I unless your going for an e.e. Cummings sort of deal. A verb may be more powerful than an adverb here
as all voyeurs must, Hmm…
wanting to be caught.
You stood at water’s edge, Who is the you?
seduced by summer's wind Good consonance here but also somewhat lacking
it's pliable hands pressing. It’s? what is it?
Your outline thrilled me, Thrilled is weak maybe give a more concrete action
and I held you through light-dappled leaves. Light-dappled leaves is a good image
A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the blades of the bank, Are you talking about the river or a lover?
mirroring eddies in the water. Interesting comparison
With arms outstretched
to catch the cooling sun.
You stepped through the silvered surface More consonance
till it lapped the curve of your calf. Specific detail
I returned behind tree trunks shade,
no screaming thought had room to breathe. Somewhat abstract
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach Good move coming back to the beginning image
and splashing, called my name.
What is the purpose of this poem? You have presented some compelling images, but I do not know what the intent behind this poem is. Good luck and hopefully my comments are not redundant