The Stream

[billy]

thanks for the in depth read and crit. my punctuation is a weak point

i agree with most, if not all of what you say. will give it a go over tomorrow. i did mean it to show that she really knew i was there but i didn't know she knew, i accept the pov you make about it feeling weak and will see if i can make the ending a bit strong.

I see two tiny typos: I think you meant "its pliable hands" and "tree trunk's shade".

Interesting that you use so many possessives (willow's, water's, summer's, trunk's, blades of the bank, curve of your calf, etc.). I think that's rather fitting in a poem about voyeurism.

The action is a bit slow, and I wish the surprise at the ending were stronger, but there are several bits I like a lot.

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thanks for the in depth read and crit. my punctuation is a weak point

i agree with most, if not all of what you say. will give it a go over tomorrow. i did mean it to show that she really knew i was there but i didn't know she knew, i accept the pov you make about it feeling weak and will see if i can make the ending a bit strong.

I see two tiny typos: I think you meant "its pliable hands" and "tree trunk's shade".

Interesting that you use so many possessives (willow's, water's, summer's, trunk's, blades of the bank, curve of your calf, etc.). I think that's rather fitting in a poem about voyeurism.

The action is a bit slow, and I wish the surprise at the ending were stronger, but there are several bits I like a lot.