05-05-2013, 11:50 PM
Love and silence
Your dread to upset her makes you insecure. Upsetting her makes you feel insecure
But love, any love, when sincere and pure, this line is clumsy, perhaps you can find a smoother way of expressing this thought.
love can be clumsy
It can be clumsy, futile, get funny results.
It’s never, just never a tool of insults. this too, maybe "it should never be used to insult" this is a tough one.
Your silence, my friend, is a horrible vice silence is a vice (it is?)
For which you may pay an unbearable price. you may pay a price, ?unbearable, dunno about that
Nothing so surely calls for her bitterness these final lines are strong but need better wording.
Like what she reads as your indifference.
The idea is borrowed from Lope de Vega – a playwright and poet of Spanish Renaissance:
One cannot insult by love,
Whoever is the one who dreams about happiness.
We are offended by indefference. (indifference ?)
I feel you have something to work with here. I am making a few
suggestions that you can bin at will. You could try expressing this in free verse. Enjoyed reading this.
my best
Your dread to upset her makes you insecure. Upsetting her makes you feel insecure
But love, any love, when sincere and pure, this line is clumsy, perhaps you can find a smoother way of expressing this thought.
love can be clumsy
It can be clumsy, futile, get funny results.
It’s never, just never a tool of insults. this too, maybe "it should never be used to insult" this is a tough one.
Your silence, my friend, is a horrible vice silence is a vice (it is?)
For which you may pay an unbearable price. you may pay a price, ?unbearable, dunno about that
Nothing so surely calls for her bitterness these final lines are strong but need better wording.
Like what she reads as your indifference.
The idea is borrowed from Lope de Vega – a playwright and poet of Spanish Renaissance:
One cannot insult by love,
Whoever is the one who dreams about happiness.
We are offended by indefference. (indifference ?)
I feel you have something to work with here. I am making a few
suggestions that you can bin at will. You could try expressing this in free verse. Enjoyed reading this.
my best