Escaping the Shadow of Hate

[heslopian]

I sense my father's dumb, outdated homophobia rising in me
when I look at you: shameless, sexually aggressive slut,
flame of blond hair
through an ennui of scalp;
you tremble with a narcissism I want to punch.

Me too, I think, alone in this tear between self and hatred,
I'm gay, like you. But there's something about you
that's sickening; your touchy-ness, your arrogance,
that stupid and pandering way you give every word
a second meaning, almost sucking your fingers
like a demented bitch.

I had to get some air; standing alone on the porch of the pub,
as signs still glowed in a vacuous dark,
I leaned against a rail and wanted to be somewhere warm,
without you.

Gay men still scare me, I think,
and a shudder licks my heart as I type this.