The Stream

[milo]

Behind the willow tree's curtain; I would trim "tree's" here, we all know willows are trees.

I watched and trembled "Watched AND trembled"? too Penthouse forum, maybe just watch, maybe something even better.

as all voyeurs must,
wanting to be caught.

You stood at water’s edge,
seducing the summer wind this line is good
whose hands pressed into you. this line feels wordy and inefficient
The outline enthralled me, yah, I figured it might, maybe find a way to say it poetically?

and I hugged you through light-dappled leaves. "hugged" is weak, the rest is good.

A twirl, a swirl; Trim the first line and give me a specific dance (you waltzed on the green bank, also, is there a type of green that could seve as a double entendre and really bring it to life, moss green or , really, anything other than moss green)

you danced on the green bank,
mirrored eddies in the water. this line doesn't grammatically tie properly

With arms outstretched meh, these 2 lines feel trite
to catch the distant sun.
You stepped into the silvered cool
till it lapped the curve of your calf. I saw someone complain about curve of your calf, I don't agree, I think it is fine.

I hugged the rough of the tree so tight, trim "so tight", also, why all the hugging? aren't there thesauruses where you are from?

no subtle thought had room to breathe. "subtle" feels like the wrong word here.
Closer you came much strength in the force have you
then splash! And splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach this is a nice line
and splashing, called my name.

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this is a major edit of an older poem i wrote way back.

there is a lot here, billy, I think you may want to reconsider some fo the lines in a way to make each as strong as it can be.

good luck.

milo