The Stream

[tectak]

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this is a major edit of an older poem i wrote way back.

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Behind the willow tree's curtain;Comma here billy. The two clauses are inextricably linked but in need of a common factor..."I". Nice opener. Pull me in.
I watched and trembled
as all voyeurs must,
wanting to be caught.Clever statement of an assumption...I will take your word for it.

You stood at water’s edge,
seducing the summer windMaybe "seduced by sensual summer's wind
whose hands pressed into you.ethereal hands, pressed in to you.
The outline enthralled me,Your outlined form enthralled me so
and I hugged you through light-dappled leaves. " I hugged you through light-dappled leaves. Slight double-meaning. no one will notice and if they do, well, it was deliberate

A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the green bank,
mirrored eddies in the water."mirroring eddies in the water." You could have extended this theme, methinks.

With arms outstretchedAn unneccesary cliche though with a soft landing. I have sung this before. "With hands outstretched he asked the folk for pity, and it made me sad to hear him say...." from "Will the Angels play their Harps"
to catch the distant sun.Comma for sure here."distant sun" is a let down. Is this the distant sun that is 93,000,000 miles away or another one?
You stepped into the silvered cool
till it lapped the curve of your calf.Big disconnect. The "cool" is good enough for water but is further away than the lapping permits. This may take some rewriting. I cannot see a instant solution but "cool lapping her calf" just doesn't ring.Maybe the "You stepped in to the silvered course; 'til languid liquid lapped your calfs (or limbs,or legs,or thighs) ". Shit, milo will string me up for that! Ignore me, I cannot take the crit! Anyway, it's your poem

I hugged the rough of the tree so tight,
no subtle thought had room to breathe.
Closer you came
then splash! And splash again.then splash and splash, again! There is enough onomatopoeia in "splash" without needing to add the exclamation mark.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing, called my name. This is a bit like Saturday Morning at Wet'n'Wild. Too much with the splashing, especially whilst sitting

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this is a major edit of an older poem i wrote way back.

Hi billy,
This is nice cameo but the texture tends to vary a little too much. Some nicely horripilatory bits but then you stick in the almost cold "curve of your calf" in the way you would a describe "loin of pork". It is made a little worse because I can hear your nymphette splashing away and calling "Biiii....leeee, Biii....leeee" My suggestions are just that. Suggestions. I get the picture...Monet got there first, but what the hell...painting with paint is easy. Words take some work.
Best,
tectak