neon window
#10
(04-19-2013, 04:22 PM)tectak Wrote:  
(04-16-2013, 10:30 AM)Heartafire Wrote:  
(04-16-2013, 06:59 AM)UnicornRainbowCake Wrote:  I haven't got much critique for this at all, I absolutely love the way you incorporate the theme without mentioning it once. The red lights dimming is wonderful. A great poem Smile
Hi Unicorn, thanks for reading, I'm glad you liked this, thank you for reading and commenting. I visited Amsterdam and the red light district some time ago, what I saw there inspired this poem.
my best,
Heart

(04-16-2013, 08:17 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  Nice poem, subtle, skillful storytelling, I like the way you 'showed' what it was about rather than 'told'. I had to read it a couple times to get it, it was a nice little moment in my head when the light bulb came on, then I had to read it again with this newly discovered information. Made me feel clever, knowing what it was all about. (For some reason the first time I read: 'Pinks vie for my attention', Like neon advertisements? Would have been a great line..)
The snapshot thing felt out of place though, do people take pictures of working girls? I have no idea, but I cant see why they would. And was this a potential customer? Why the stilled anger...oh..maybe the snapshot was a leer, a look from a prospective client? Not bad, Heartafire, not bad at all.

Still there were some unresolved things that left me wondering, and wanting more, but maybe that's a good thing? Idk..maybe..hmm

Very Good. Brilliant. Put 'you' in place of 'he' in the fourth stanza and add a little to the imagery and phrasing, and you've got yourself a work of art.
Hi trueenigma, thank you for reading and your opinion and suggestions. It's common for the girl to have a lover who perhaps in this case failed to show up, he is most likely the recipient of a portion of her salary and could be considered a pimp, which is legal there. Taking photographs is highly discouraged for privacy issues, provoking the anger that I write about. It is unfortunate to be in need of clarification, an indication that I need to review this. I will take your thoughts into consideration, they are most helpful, I appreciate the encouraging comments as well.
my best,
Heart

(04-16-2013, 08:02 AM)tectak Wrote:  [/b]
Hi Tectak, thank you for reading and your time. I prefer to use the term "dead thing" rather than cadaver which seems rather clinical. The girl IS an attention whore (I assume you refer to the poem and not me), that is her job. I very much appreciate your opinion and suggestions and will review this piece with them in mind, particularly your reference to the line breaks. "Sometimes it is almost comedic to see line outs so deliberately used to no purpose other than adherence to a half-forgotten poetic wish. A sop to the endeavor"
Have you ever said too much? :-)
my best,
Heart
Hi heart et al,
Not suggesting you go with "cadaver" but more in pm. WAS intimating that "may as well" was a observation inclusive of the attention seeking of the whore as an inert and passive "body". The rest in pm,
Best,
tectak
see you there.
Heart
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Messages In This Thread
neon window - by Heartafire - 04-16-2013, 05:56 AM
RE: neon window - by UnicornRainbowCake - 04-16-2013, 06:59 AM
RE: neon window - by Heartafire - 04-16-2013, 10:30 AM
RE: neon window - by tectak - 04-18-2013, 11:42 PM
RE: neon window - by tectak - 04-19-2013, 04:22 PM
RE: neon window - by Heartafire - 04-19-2013, 10:40 PM
RE: neon window - by tectak - 04-16-2013, 08:02 AM
RE: neon window - by Leanne - 04-17-2013, 05:19 AM
RE: neon window - by Heartafire - 04-19-2013, 09:02 AM
RE: neon window - by curt551 - 04-19-2013, 09:47 AM



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