Sea of Seems...

[curt551]

Sea of Seems... (to be read aloud)

Hollow Eyes set sail upon a ship of Dreams
to undiscover lonely in the Sea of Seems
where each crest and pull of sorrow
changed the quiet tidings and subtle
flaws of current illusion.

Timber flexed in the confluence of Remorse,
the tributary of Tears without recourse,
creaking, quaking, wry waters
quickened by rocky insights and the
rush of rapid conclusions....

Dreamscapes rise resilient in reefs of REM
painting pictures of the past, partial hues of him,
chaos cresting in fractals,
bitter, biting, cold agin warm and frail,
diminished, yet not forgotten…

Vesicles swim solo bringing sleep in their wake,
vagaries of undoing for sanity’s sake.
One minus one, the empty set,
thoughts splitting riddles and randoms,
sexton’s course on a starless night…

Sequin shoebox sat silent behind rigging ropes,
her cache of memory shimmering bits of hope,
rice paper sonnets, sheltered
half truths, vague but clear, ethereal,
lover’s script in alpha rhythm.

She winced as she faced the fogs of Forlorn,
staring far beyond the island’s shrinking form,
gauging distance between swells,
bowsprit, a jib way from her redemption,
recalled to wake by helmsman’s hand.

Narrow bands of sun seeped through Shantung shades
where flickering fractures of voyages fade
until sleep comes by force of night
when mooring lines are tossed from shore
she walks upon the bow once more

Hollow Eyes set sail upon a ship of Dreams
to undiscover lonely in the Sea of Seems
where each crest and pull of sorrow
changed the quiet tidings and subtle
flaws of current illusion…

JCM copyright 03/17/2013

[tectak]

Sea of Seems... (to be read aloud)...but far, far away.
Hi curt,
Good to see a new posting. Not an in depth line by line but the main areas to work on.
Hollow Eyes set sail upon a ship of Dreams"Hollow eyes" (almost a medical condition) and "ship of dreams" (Titanic? Nazareth and Knoffler, plus many others. milo has a neat way of avoiding cliches...if it's in a pop song, its a cliche) are both screaming cliches. Sometimes you have to dig deep for fresh words
to undiscover lonely in the Sea of Seems
where each crest and pull of sorrow
changed the quiet tidings and subtle
flaws of current illusion. Seriously falling forward sentence. It topples over its base. The foundations of this stanza are not wide enough to support such a long sentence. Punctuate. Not clear whether you are driving the metaphor or it is driving you. Wordy more than worthy opener but I can see we are on a metaphorical mystery tour with this.

Timber flexed in the confluence of Remorse, A confluence requires two things...usually riverS. "...of remorse and (?)"
the tributary of Tears without recourse,
creaking, quaking, wry waters
quickened by rocky insights and the
rush of rapid conclusions.... For me, the metaphor has run out. It has now left the building. Maybe you should have second thoughts, or some thought, as to where you are going with this.

Dreamscapes rise resilient in reefs of REM Very good. Like. Understand. REM sadly out of context but still the mot juste.
painting pictures of the past, partial hues of him, Ah...him. Who he? This is too sudden....we have not been formally introduced.
chaos cresting in fractals,Again , good but irrationally located in this piece. I am all at sea, now
bitter, biting, cold agin warm and frail, "Again". Read crit forum rules of posting.
diminished, yet not forgotten… You are carried along by (or on the crest of...if you want another cliche for your repertoire) your own verbosity. Aim for clarity not cleverness. "cold again warm and frail" is gobbledygook...did you not notice?

Vesicles swim solo bringing sleep in their wake,Do you know what a vesicle is? I do....and this ain't it.
vagaries of undoing for sanity’s sake.
One minus one, the empty set,
thoughts splitting riddles and randoms,randoms? Word control wonky. Adjective only.
sexton’s course on a starless night…You are now just too profound...this is a riddle-me-re. Not good reading. This whole stanza is cuttable.

Sequin shoebox sat silent behind rigging ropes,Lost at sea....is it me?
her cache of memory shimmering bits of hope, Her? Who she?
rice paper sonnets, sheltered
half truths, vague but clear, ethereal,
lover’s script in alpha rhythm.You are slipping in and out of two or three poems. I cannot believe the disconnects. He, she, vague but clear, REM (asleep), alpha rhythm(awake) ....not competent. Needs work.

She winced as she faced the fogs of Forlorn,This does not work on many levels...alliteration is not everything.
staring far beyond the island’s shrinking form,Another disconnect. She is looking into a fog then she can see beyond a very distant island. Get these metaphors under control. They are working you to death....and me. Metaphors should CLARIFY not obscure
gauging distance between swells,
bowsprit, a jib way from her redemption,What on earth does this mean? Do you know what a bowsprit or a jib is? I do.You are enjoying yourself too much and have lost all thought for your reader's possible intelligence.
recalled to wake by helmsman’s hand.Another disconnect. She winced and faced...then wakes up. Unreliable witness.

Narrow bands of sun seeped through Shantung shadesThis sounds nice but "Narrow bands of sun seeped through Shantung" would be better. Why? Shantung (I have some in front of me, right now. Thanks, hun) is a fine textured, thin material. It is capable of producing "shade" but is essentially a material not a colour variation. NOW, to be certain. Did you mean "shades" as in American "blinds" or "shades" as in colour variations? Or both?( Say both, then you are cool) I ask because I have lost faith in your word skills. This happens and it is unfortunate but it is nothing that cannot be put right.
where flickering fractures of voyages fade
until sleep comes by force of night...she's dropped off again...
when mooring lines are tossed from shore
she walks upon the bow once moreShe's awake again..."Somnambulist Sarah married a sailor, fell off the deck and no one would save her. Sarah, who carried a nightime inhalor, blew it a hard like bugle, or like a loud hailer. Somnambulist Sarah was heard by her sailor, but alas he was sleeping and Sarah....drowned." This may help you avoid disconnects!

Hollow Eyes set sail upon a ship of Dreams
to undiscover lonely in the Sea of Seems
where each crest and pull of sorrow
changed the quiet tidings and subtle
flaws of current illusion…

JCM copyright 03/17/2013I wouldn't put my name to this until it is tidied up. Lots of really good but isolated islands of excellence. Too much heavy handed alliteration. Not got word meaning controlled enough...this makes me distrust your thinking. If I was sure you were sure I would try to interpret what you are trying to say....but I am unconvinced of your expertise in this piece....so it would seem to not be worth the risk of walking down cul-de-sacs, only to come out having discovered nothing.
The form is not new but nor is anything. It is worth shortening into a neat package.
Best,
tectak

[curt551]

First, thank you for taking the time to critique this. Much appreciated. For clarification, not necessarily disagreement, she's sleeping dreaming so each dream is a ship of its own making. The confluence does require two things both being bodies of water but not necessarily two rivers... "... of remorse and the tributary of Tears". REM (rapid eye movement) in terms of brain wave configurations actually will rise and fall in the rhythms so I don't quite see it out of context but am willing to consider that. I do know what a vesicle is and I do understand that neurotransmission is necessary for sleep to occur. The vesicle would carry that neurotransmitter to the receptor site to cause sleep's occurrence. I did stretch using the term "swim" rather try to configure a different way of being carried forward. I didn't want to get to far into action potential in axons or changes in polarity that would result in shifts of ion channels causing the action potential in the first place ha ha. If you think I was verbose before lol. I do agree that the stanza is cuttable. I thought about doing just that and may before I'm finished. Thanks again for the critique, very much appreciated.

[tectak]

First, thank you for taking the time to critique this. Much appreciated. For clarification, not necessarily disagreement, she's sleeping dreaming so each dream is a ship of its own making. The confluence does require two things both being bodies of water but not necessarily two rivers... "... of remorse and the tributary of Tears". REM (rapid eye movement) in terms of brain wave configurations actually will rise and fall in the rhythms so I don't quite see it out of context but am willing to consider that. I do know what a vesicle is and I do understand that neurotransmission is necessary for sleep to occur. The vesicle would carry that neurotransmitter to the receptor site to cause sleep's occurrence. I did stretch using the term "swim" rather try to configure a different way of being carried forward. I didn't want to get to far into action potential in axons or changes in polarity that would result in shifts of ion channels causing the action potential in the first place ha ha. If you think I was verbose before lol. I do agree that the stanza is cuttable. I thought about doing just that and may before I'm finished. Thanks again for the critique, very much appreciated.

Good show,curt.
You are by your explanations aware of the need for same. I am not convinced by some of your neurological understandings but this is poetry not physiology
Simplify. That's what it comes down to.
Best,
tectak
Looking forwards to an edit.