04-19-2013, 09:47 AM
neon window
I am a dead thing. Leering punks vie for my attention.
They whisper and make gestures.
Dragging on my cigarette, the smoke swirls in circles,
a distraction as I search among the faces for you.
Traffic is slow, mostly looking, not buying.
Hard times have taken its toll on carnality.
A snapshot stirs my anger, still there
is rent to consider.
Digging in my pocket I find your note.
Liar! Men call all the shots.
Tears well up but remain fixed. I hate you.
Smiling sweetly at the young fellow,
I coax him, stay, don’t go.
The red lights dim, he lowers his head and follows.
“ Do you like Amsterdam?”,
barely audible, he whispers that he does.
I place the euros with your note.
The light reflects off my face and burns my eyes.
I fondle the pay in my pocket.
The night is not a total waste.
First of all, I like a lot of things about this poem. I would not change "dead thing" to cadaver. Cadaver is too specific for what you're conveying particularly with the title "Neon Window". The poem implies you are a living dead thing... numb on one hand angry about it on the other. I love the last stanza, though there are a variety of ways to express that play of emotions, light reflecting off your face and burning your eyes. It leaves the reader the opportunity to fill in the blank about whether its excess make up, bright light, young skin, drug affected grey reflective skin then hits you with the light burning your eyes which suggests minimal exposure to the light, life in the dark. This stanza fills in many of the blanks left related to the who you were angry with. Fondling the pay... that subtle display of cognitive dissonance and final rationalization that the lifestyle, at least at that moment, was a fair trade off... angst and all. There are a variety of ways you can alter this poem or keep it largely as is. I always read for the emotion and the mind pictures a poem paints. That resonance and vision is what makes the poem good in my mind. I enjoyed the walk with you. I see the points others are making but I also like the way you conveyed your thoughts so I am neutral on the form.
I am a dead thing. Leering punks vie for my attention.
They whisper and make gestures.
Dragging on my cigarette, the smoke swirls in circles,
a distraction as I search among the faces for you.
Traffic is slow, mostly looking, not buying.
Hard times have taken its toll on carnality.
A snapshot stirs my anger, still there
is rent to consider.
Digging in my pocket I find your note.
Liar! Men call all the shots.
Tears well up but remain fixed. I hate you.
Smiling sweetly at the young fellow,
I coax him, stay, don’t go.
The red lights dim, he lowers his head and follows.
“ Do you like Amsterdam?”,
barely audible, he whispers that he does.
I place the euros with your note.
The light reflects off my face and burns my eyes.
I fondle the pay in my pocket.
The night is not a total waste.
First of all, I like a lot of things about this poem. I would not change "dead thing" to cadaver. Cadaver is too specific for what you're conveying particularly with the title "Neon Window". The poem implies you are a living dead thing... numb on one hand angry about it on the other. I love the last stanza, though there are a variety of ways to express that play of emotions, light reflecting off your face and burning your eyes. It leaves the reader the opportunity to fill in the blank about whether its excess make up, bright light, young skin, drug affected grey reflective skin then hits you with the light burning your eyes which suggests minimal exposure to the light, life in the dark. This stanza fills in many of the blanks left related to the who you were angry with. Fondling the pay... that subtle display of cognitive dissonance and final rationalization that the lifestyle, at least at that moment, was a fair trade off... angst and all. There are a variety of ways you can alter this poem or keep it largely as is. I always read for the emotion and the mind pictures a poem paints. That resonance and vision is what makes the poem good in my mind. I enjoyed the walk with you. I see the points others are making but I also like the way you conveyed your thoughts so I am neutral on the form.