04-15-2013, 05:27 AM
You've got a ways to go, I think. Use your poetic license a little more loosely- if we're being honest, some of this sounds really archaic. Learn to focus less on yourself and more on your subject, if you're looking for serious critique. If you want to just file these away, then that's fine, but when you bring something like this to a critical perspective, you want to remove the subject from the self, or at least to capture the self in an intriguing way.
Experiment with imagery a little more, not in this poem, but in general. I'd suggest putting this one away for now. Work on capturing objects rather than your own emotions. Read as much poetry as you can. The goal here is to be able to capture the self in an interesting and innovative manner.
Also, use artistic license a little less until you "really" know what you're doing with it. Here, you've used it, and the result sounds faux-Shakespearean, cliched.
Just practice, practice, practice. Take a few classes if you can. Refine your skill.
Experiment with imagery a little more, not in this poem, but in general. I'd suggest putting this one away for now. Work on capturing objects rather than your own emotions. Read as much poetry as you can. The goal here is to be able to capture the self in an interesting and innovative manner.
Also, use artistic license a little less until you "really" know what you're doing with it. Here, you've used it, and the result sounds faux-Shakespearean, cliched.
Just practice, practice, practice. Take a few classes if you can. Refine your skill.