Pride

[tectak]

PRIDE
Hi pigalo,
Hmmm. Pride. I will take care here!
From memory's dawn I have known [ This is a busted metaphor. The trouble is it sounds good ( is that enough?)but then something starts to niggle. It is the niggle that busts the metaphor because a metaphor should clarify. Got it. If "memories dawn" is the "start" of memory then you have no recall from before that point...yes? What you are trying to say is " For as long as I can remember" in a less cliched and more poetic way. Commendable in intent and probably good enough but chronologically confusing. I offer no alternative so you must be close
Feelings to be ploys; I was shone no comment required on spelling
The guile of joy; but I could not quellnested colons and semi colons are enigmatic. Drop the line capitalising because it makes you look as if you do not know when to capitalise and when not.
These passions far too strong to tell. Dreadful line. The force is with you.

In childhood I endured alone;
My counsel came from my own throne; Colonic evacuation. Lucky you were on your throne. Again, forced...laxative was needed.
While others danced, I watched and sighed;
And all I loved I loved inside. This sounds like a refrain came from somewhere and caught you by surprise...but you liked it and you will use it again...what a shame the refrain came late.

When veterans returned with pride
I marked with shame how I denied
The wars I fought, the scars I hide--
For all I fought I fought inside. I could not fail to disagree with you less here. I cannot untangle it...but I do not think you can, either. Shit happens. When refrains are a pain...refrain.

[b] Not solid. You are relying too much on you belief in your abilty to carry you through a piece from beginning to end, without planning. This only rarely works. If you write whilst pissed you may think you have written a masterpiece...then you sober up. IAM NOT SAYING YOU WERE PISSED WHEN YOU WROTE THIS....just that this is how I write when I am pissed
The best way I can describe your thinking is burgeoning. You seem to have way too much to say and want it all to come out quickly. Some nice thoughts ill-expressed. The "throne" rhyme was hysterical and lamentable at once. Just a re-read might do it....preferably as prose to hear the bell toll. Keep going.
Best,
tectak