Time of our Lives edit 2.

[tectak]

Time of our Lives edit 1.5, milo. Is this better? I snuck in another edit to gegengewicht miloheslopian.

Bruised blue and broken veined, the corpse of failed incursions
lies between two worlds. Belief made grief the penalty
and unclaimed sand the prize; there are no losers.
Death is paradise by promise, or your heaven is not real.
Where lies the greater difference? We die to live again
or we die to live no more. We choose the road to misery,
yet cry when we are lost. The body, holding high the head
of cranial delusions, leaks brine borne tears from blood and bone; Should "born" have an "e" on the end in this context?
piss, bile and sweat from sainted souls. There is no virtue, though.
For sinners, thieves and sodomists, sanguine slaughterers of State,
the creeping killers in the night, and all the foment of the failed
who lunge and strike with knife to heart and boot to skull;
with these shared mortal blocks they fabricate themselves.
A flag held proud and hoist on shanks of calcium...is just a flag;
perhaps the Colours change, but the cloth is all the same.
What differs then, in this short term, when by our nature
we permit kings and gods to make false claims to reverence?
Only this. When ends the shift, each battered body lies alone.
We take no sides, we do not have such will; we only think we care.
We may well be one: but there is a still battle all must fight to lose.
Death is one world, and life the other. We all fall in between.
tectak
2013

This is an almost perfect poem, impossibly rich with ideas, philosophising and deep poignancy. I tremble to critique it, but I will suggest that you add more of a narrative thrust, and images, metaphors etc. What I mean is that, though each line is exquisitely carved, they don't evoke much of a sense of place or person, and there's no real thread from beginning to end. It's all discussion.
This is JMHO, of course, and as I've said the poem is almost perfect. It details ideas and stirs emotions with a skillful attention to sentence structure and syntax. Some poems I read on this and other poetry sites are gramatically and structurally loose; this one's airtight. Thank you for the read

Hi hes,
You are quite right on the lack of thread. I would only wriggle once to escape your conclusion....I lost it after line 3 and changed tracks. Always a mistake.I thought I hsd got away with it but leanne noticed the "no losers"/"fight to lose" dichotomy. Bugger.
The "born" question. I do not know. It was asked before in another poster's piece. I note that you "asked" but did not opine. Same here So I think you are right. "borne" it will become.
This is my best attempt at commitment verse. I cannot judge whether the conclusion merits the preamble. Thanks for your perspicacity!
Best,
tectak

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Time of our Lives edit 1.5, milo. Is this better? I snuck in another edit to gegengewicht milo

Bruised blue and broken veined, the corpse of failed incursions -- this really is a strong opening line -- it is only my rude mind that made me wonder if the first half might be easily misconstrued...
lies between two worlds. Belief made grief the penalty
and unclaimed sand the prize; there are no losers. -- good sounds, and thesubversion of the prize/winning idea is excellent
Death is paradise by promise, or your heaven is not real. -- a bit on the telly side for me, and even preachy
Where lies the greater difference? We die to live again -- without the line before, these lines would seem stronger in my opinion (except you'd have to get rid of "where lies the greater difference?" because it wouldn't make sense anymore, and rejig your breaks)
or we die to live no more. We choose the road to misery,
yet cry when we are lost. The body, holding high the head
of cranial delusions, leaks brine born tears from blood and bone;
piss, bile and sweat from sainted souls. There is no virtue, though.
For sinners, thieves and sodomists, sanguine slaughterers of State, -- slight OD on the alliteration for my taste, a bit reminiscent of "Silas the Assyrian Assassin" and other Pythonesque imaginings
the creeping killers in the night, and all the foment of the failed
who lunge and strike with knife to heart and boot to skull;
with these shared mortal blocks they fabricate themselves.
A flag held proud and hoist on shanks of calcium...is just a flag; -- not convinced that the ellipsis works -- I can see what you're trying to do but I don't know that the pause is too much more effective than just the words themselves, which are quite excellent
perhaps the Colours change, but the cloth is all the same.
What differs then, in this short term, when by our nature
we permit kings and gods to make false claims to reverence?
Only this. When ends the shift, each battered body lies alone. -- colon after "only this"? Or is that the complete thought? (in which case, it's quite non-specific and I'm left questioning which bit of this is the only)
We take no sides, we do not have such will; we only think we care.
We may well be one: but there is a still battle all must fight to lose. -- and yet earlier, "there are no losers" -- problematic?
Death is one world, and life the other. We all fall in between.
tectak
2013

Thanks leanne,
I think I need to look again at this. See my reply to heslopian ( you get an Hon.Mentch.) The "Only this" answers "What differs then.." Do try to keep up
Best,
tectak

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Time of our Lives edit 1.5, milo. Is this better? I snuck in another edit to gegengewicht milo

Bruised blue and broken veined, the corpse of failed incursions
lies between two worlds. Belief made grief the penalty,
and unclaimed sand the prize: there are no losers.
Death is paradise by promise, or your heaven is not real.
Where lies the greater difference? We die to live again,
or we die to live no more. We choose the road to misery,
yet cry when we are lost. The body, holding high the head
of cranial delusions, leaks brine born tears from blood and bone:
piss, bile and sweat from sainted souls. There is no virtue, though.
For sinners--thieves and sodomists, sanguine slaughterers of State,
the creeping killers in the night-- and all the foment of the failed
who lunge and strike with knife to heart and boot to skull;
with these shared mortal blocks they fabricate themselves.
A flag held proud and hoist on shanks of calcium is just a flag;
perhaps the Colours change, but the cloth is all the same.
What differs then, in this short term, when by our nature
we permit kings and gods to make false claims to reverence?
Only this , when ends the shift ,each battered body lies alone.
We take no sides, we do not have such will: we only think we care.
We may well be one; but there is a still battle all must fight to lose.
Death is one world, and life the other. We all fall in between.
tectak
2013

Good poem, just some suggestions for punctuation. You were hesitant to use the colon, using semi-colons throughout, but then you decided near the end to use one followed by a conjunction?

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http://grammar.about.com/od/punctuationa...ondash.htm

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Also isn't foment misused as a hidden verb?

Hi true, Thanks for this. I am Ginsbergian and read stuff out loud. I get into trouble for it. I did use a colon half way through so I am not biased but the semi colon before the "but" is wrong. Thanks for that. I use JW as my grammatical guide but suffered long at the hands of pedants and academics in my late school years so my head is full of rote. I have a mantra for the comma 1 count, semi colon 2 count, colon 4 count and full stop.....dramatic pause. Counts are emphatic beats at reading speed....hence I always read out loud to get my pauses as I like'em.
Foment? This is arguable but I gave more weight to its usefulness in describing the "genre" (engendered by those who live their lives in a violent world) than of its strict meaning. I have read "..the foment in my head", " foment came and stole the calm" , "foment of the time" and " ideas foment but never useful thoughts escape" ( no...not "ferment") so I guess I just hoped the pedants were not following me..
Thanks again. The semi colon will go.
Best,
tectak

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Dense and admirable exploration of ambition and disillusionment.

I love the natural and effective use of rhythm. I love the tone, the mystery, the substance. I love the mention of two worlds in the start, the exposition of them, and then the restatement at the end. Beautifully done, with I thought just the right amount of direction for the reader.

My distraction is in the appearance of very terse verse in places then highly elaborate--almost redundant--in others. I know--I may simply not get it. But for example: "Belief made grief the penalty" seems to me vague (for lack of a better word); is it belief that caused the grief, or belief that brought action that met something external that then caused failure, or some combination? Many omitted steps leave me feeling a little too unguided.

On the other hand, "Holding high the head of cranial delusions" strikes me as the opposite; are there other delusions besides cranial? can they be elsewhere besides the head?

Just my first thoughts on reading. My apologies to all if I'm not doing this right -- first day here.

Overall, thanks for a great poem filled with gems to ponder.

Hi pigalo,
You are doing it right!
On the "belief" thing...if you don't get it, it is my fault. I don't do profound. You DO "get it" as you are right on both counts.
The "head of cranial delusions" is word play. "head" as the centre of thought and "head" in a titular sense. Leaders march us to war in a state of maximum delusion. That is all. I wonder if "....holding high the headS of cranial delusion" would clarify.I will ponder.
Many thanks for your considerations,
Best,
tectak