04-14-2013, 08:52 AM
hi pigalo....great nic 
i see you left feedback elsewhere, great start
a constant meter may help with the flow of the poem and the end rhymes to work better. but on the whole it's got a fair bit of good in it.
i see you left feedback elsewhere, great start
a constant meter may help with the flow of the poem and the end rhymes to work better. but on the whole it's got a fair bit of good in it.
(04-14-2013, 04:27 AM)Pigalo Wrote: PRIDE
From memory's dawn I have known
Feelings to be ploys; I was shone shown?
The guile of joy; but I could not quell why not a period?
These passions far too strong to tell.
In childhood I endured alone;
My counsel came from my own throne; i like how this reinforces the line above, without making it redundant.
While others danced, I watched and sighed; struggling to see what this line has to do with pride, feels more like jealousy
And all I loved I loved inside.
When veterans returned with pride
I marked with shame how I denied
The wars I fought, the scars I hide--
For all I fought I fought inside. if you use a line as a refrain, or a style of line as a refrain it usually works better if you have it in each stanza; loved/loved, fought/fought. a similar line would have added continuity throughout the poem. ( i did like the broken refrains, you have at play)