Time of our Lives edit 2.

[Leanne]

Time of our Lives edit 1.5, milo. Is this better? I snuck in another edit to gegengewicht milo

Bruised blue and broken veined, the corpse of failed incursions -- this really is a strong opening line -- it is only my rude mind that made me wonder if the first half might be easily misconstrued...
lies between two worlds. Belief made grief the penalty
and unclaimed sand the prize; there are no losers. -- good sounds, and thesubversion of the prize/winning idea is excellent
Death is paradise by promise, or your heaven is not real. -- a bit on the telly side for me, and even preachy
Where lies the greater difference? We die to live again -- without the line before, these lines would seem stronger in my opinion (except you'd have to get rid of "where lies the greater difference?" because it wouldn't make sense anymore, and rejig your breaks)
or we die to live no more. We choose the road to misery,
yet cry when we are lost. The body, holding high the head
of cranial delusions, leaks brine born tears from blood and bone;
piss, bile and sweat from sainted souls. There is no virtue, though.
For sinners, thieves and sodomists, sanguine slaughterers of State, -- slight OD on the alliteration for my taste, a bit reminiscent of "Silas the Assyrian Assassin" and other Pythonesque imaginings
the creeping killers in the night, and all the foment of the failed
who lunge and strike with knife to heart and boot to skull;
with these shared mortal blocks they fabricate themselves.
A flag held proud and hoist on shanks of calcium...is just a flag; -- not convinced that the ellipsis works -- I can see what you're trying to do but I don't know that the pause is too much more effective than just the words themselves, which are quite excellent
perhaps the Colours change, but the cloth is all the same.
What differs then, in this short term, when by our nature
we permit kings and gods to make false claims to reverence?
Only this. When ends the shift, each battered body lies alone. -- colon after "only this"? Or is that the complete thought? (in which case, it's quite non-specific and I'm left questioning which bit of this is the only)
We take no sides, we do not have such will; we only think we care.
We may well be one: but there is a still battle all must fight to lose. -- and yet earlier, "there are no losers" -- problematic?
Death is one world, and life the other. We all fall in between.
tectak
2013