04-13-2013, 11:04 AM
(04-13-2013, 05:53 AM)ray Wrote: Suppose there are souls that really existA very interesting poem. With a touch more attention to detail it could be amazing. Critique is JMHO, and thanks for the read
in eternity on the other side
where 24/7 evangelists
promise death to those who bridge the void. The evangelists promise death from within the eternity the souls inhabit? This verse is a bit muddled.
Suppose them sitting in homes and cities
in their virtual, spiritual forms. How are they virtual? To me that implies an artificial construct, and has echoes of sci-fi, virtual reality etc.
Would their ghostly, gaseous entities
risk it all for a stirring of warmth? These two lines provide an interesting, poignant thought.
Suppose that a soul accessed a peep-hole
and observed you disrobe and unfasten
black stockings and skirt, your red camisole -
ectoplasm would ache for orgasm. A gross yet powerful verse, it hints at voyeurism without being truly exploitive. Subtle, clever stuff.
Suppose he ignored the hell-fire advice
and in jumping a gigantic bound,
found flesh and voice and blessing his choice
he’d undoubtedly utter that sound. This verse is very well-constructed, so much so that it feels at odds with the rest of the poem, which has more of a free verse feel. That isn't a criticism so much as a mere observation.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe