[content warning] Performer

[ESmith]

Hey there. I'm new around these parts, have been writing poetry for years but have never managed to get anyone to give me any feedback. This is a first draft of a new poem which I wrote late last night, as such it has had very little editing besides correcting what was quickly visible to me. I have put a content warning since, although it only contains some references to drugs, it does contain some and I doubt kids would immediately 'get' it. Many thanks in advance!

You've got both knees on the floor
preparing to put up your walls,
the little beach
on the toilet seat
says 'hello fame.'

Only you would have a friend you cut
two lines in, then bottoms up
you always said you'd be a star
now it’s time to live your dreams
and show them that you are.

And it’s true you shine the brightest here
but it isn't hard when you're hyper-real
neon colours in the grey
artificially,
lighting them astray.

You always were a pretty thing
lacked nerve but loved to sing
and now you're cleaning up cards
just to find the strength to dance.

Whispering little rhymes,
to yourself
yes, you're everything you are,
but you're someone else
and this is the only way,
if your sparkle’s gonna
Make you famous, some day.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

You've got both knees on the floor
preparing to put up your walls,
the little beach
on the toilet seat
says 'hello fame.' I like it, I think you could extend this further. Was it a clean bathroom? A dirty one? Were you in a club or a train station or your grandmothers house? Even 'knees on the dirty floor' would add something to it. You've described nothing of the surroundings.

Only you would have a friend you cut Seems awkward
two lines in, then bottoms up
you always said you'd be a star
now it’s time to live your dreams
and show them that you are. Those three lines I'm sure are part of a Hannah Montana song somewhere. You can come up with something better, the whole poem is better.

And it’s true you shine the brightest here
but it isn't hard when you're hyper-real
neon colours in the grey
artificially,
lighting them astray. This stanza sounds good, I love the description, but because you haven't explained where you are, it doesn't have that impact you're looking for. Do you light up your grandmothers house artificially?

You always were a pretty thing
lacked nerve but loved to sing
and now you're cleaning up cards
just to find the strength to dance. The flow goes in this stanza, adjust it a little

Whispering little rhymes, If she's whispering little rhymes to herself, do it in her perspective. You've got a load of potential here and take it, if you're talking about drugs have some inside battle with herself. It'll work better than I make it sound. :-P
to yourself Needs punctuation at the end
yes, you're everything you are,
but you're someone else
and this is the only way,
if your sparkle’s gonna
Make you famous, some day. Why capital M?

I love it altogether, and I think it has huge potential to be brilliant. As for that last stanza, perhaps something like this?

Whispering little rhymes to yourself
yes, you're everything you are,
but you're someone else -
this is the only way,
Your sparkle will make you famous,
some day.

Play around with it more, see how it works, but it would add real depth if you could include her thoughts and such.

[ESmith]

Thanks UnicornRainbowCake That is some really awesome feedback, you've given me loads to think about! I'll get on tweaking it when I get home from work

[tectak]

Hey there. I'm new around these parts, have been writing poetry for years but have never managed to get anyone to give me any feedback. This is a first draft of a new poem which I wrote late last night, as such it has had very little editing besides correcting what was quickly visible to me. I have put a content warning since, although it only contains some references to drugs, it does contain some and I doubt kids would immediately 'get' it. Many thanks in advance!
Hello and welcome,
Just passing but time for a quick once-over. Line by line I think.


You've got both knees on the floor
preparing to put up your walls,Maybe full stop here. You have a complete sentence which ends nicely on "walls".
the little beach
on the toilet seat
says 'hello fame.'Cute and easy. Like. This is ging to be a stylstic piece, I just know it!

Only you would have a friend you cut
two lines in, then bottoms up
you always said you'd be a starI really want to pause right here. Anything would do but it's your poem so you get the call. For me? I guess a full stop would not offend. The next two lines cry out for statement status, give them due by pausing after "star".
now it’s time to live your dreams
and show them that you are.Yes. Crisp.

And it’s true you shine the brightest hereSteady up a bit. I have just read this stanza and the bell is cracked. Drop to next line...
but it isn't hard when you're hyper-realNow I like and understand this SENTENCE. So dignify it. There MUST be a full stop after "hyper-real"
neon colours in the greyI have problems with the syntax in this NEW sentence. Is "colours" noun or verb? You write:
" Neon colours in the grey artificially, lighting them astray" . Read it. See it. A few questions but what or who is/are "them". Needs tidying. Not sure about "...lighting (?) astray", either.
artificially,
lighting them astray.

You always were a pretty thingIn defense of the comma...this is where one should be. This is especially true as you begin the next line with an implied "you". To link to L1 a full stop would be too terminal.
lacked nerve but loved to sing...and in defense of the semi colon, this is where one should be.Look, you maybe think that punctuation is unnecessary. Fine....but this is my crit I read stuff out loud. Always have. That way, your poem becomes MY poem. Try it my way. Just as a favour!
and now you're cleaning up cards
just to find the strength to dance....very nice indeed. Worthy.

Whispering little rhymes,So. No comma here. It is spare. Put it in the stanza above
to yourselfNow we are in trouble.
You wrote "Whispering little rhymes, to yourself yes, you're everything you are, but you're someone else.." I think I will leave this line to you I think it is just a matter of pushing the punctuation marks about...I mean you are not short of the squiggly bits.
yes, you're everything you are,
but you're someone else
and this is the only way,
if your sparkle’s gonna
Make you famous, some day.Ditto here re. punctuation. Capital on "Make" (?).Don't think I am not reading this. It is very worthy. See the advice on posting in Serious Crit.

Hi ES,
This is me liking a piece! I may be obsessing over the punctuation but the concept and context does not leave much else to comment on. I think you got a neat balance between imagery and expectation...leaving me to happily fill in with my own interpretation in the certainty that I would not be far off the mark....I don't do obscure and this isn't. Like it very much.
Best,
tectak

[ESmith]

Thanks for your critique tectak! It's massively helpful to me, and later I'll put it together with the suggestions from UnicornRainbowCake and see how I can improve the piece That said, the lack of decent punctuation is something I will simply admit to - I don't really know how to use it! I am trying to learn, but it is taking me a while. I think it's just a lack of practice, really - I was taught it ten years ago in highschool but no-one seems to have much cared since then LOL. So, seriously, thank you for your information! I will endeavor to do better