Stubs of My Love

[c_cwilliams]

The sun rises upon an untouched horizon
Another chance to prove my heart First two lines are alright, if not overused
But first you must take it Take what? Your heart?
Run with it and never look back Take your heart where?


Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor Ok, so your heart is hurt
You dropped it with each loosened grasp Why would she drop it?
You ran away, you have yet to look back So she did what you said
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay Unclear what this is all about


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies cliche
This heart, now covered in Ant bites Capitalised ant for no reason
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony I like this metaphor and the explanation, the best part of the poem


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love Really weak line, for an alright description to follow
This oak, it’s as strong as steel cliche
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship The description is alright, not great. It seems awkwardly put.


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain Did you forget to post the rest of the poem? A single last line that doesn't add anything.

Your actual poetic devices are, in some cases, good. I like the ant bite description. The main problem is you've sacrificed any real meaning for things that sound nice. It's about love, and really, that's as much as you can solidly gather. Look at what you want to really get across, and build it around there, rather than think about what sounds nice and try and fit it in.

Thanks Amy for your critique!

Maybe I could offer some explanation to the meaning and you could tell me how I could have better phrased things. I'm new at poetry but find it a wonderful way to express emotions. This poem is about falling in mutual love with a married woman, if that offers any better explanation.


The sun rises upon an untouched horizon
Another chance to prove my heart First two lines are alright, if not overused
But first you must take it Take what? Your heart? Yes taking my heart, attempting to give your heart to another person.
Run with it and never look back Take your heart where? Run with it: Meaning to take my heart as her own and letting our love flow, leaving the man she is now with and "not looking back"

Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor Ok, so your heart is hurt Indeed.
You dropped it with each loosened grasp Why would she drop it? Her indecisiveness on if she should stay in her marriage for because of outside influences, or be selfish and give herself to me. she's taken my heart, but hasn't "ran with it"
You ran away, you have yet to look back So she did what you said She ran away, leaving my heart on the ground after dropping it. The reference to the first stanza was my wanting of her to take my heart, not give it up, and be with me. In this stanza I am suggesting she dropped my heart and left it on the ground and then ran away not looking back (choosing to stay in her marriage.)
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay Unclear what this is all about I look at my heart laying on the floor expecting it to decay, suggesting my heart is dying from being plucked from me and thrown on the ground, feeling like I won't find a love this strong again. I say like a fool because I know that this is just temporary and of course I will find love again.


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies cliche Cliche, indeed.
This heart, now covered in Ant bites Capitalised ant for no reason I may be mistaken for some other grammatical reason, but I believe an ant is a proper noun, and all proper nouns are capitalised.
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony I like this metaphor and the explanation, the best part of the poem Thanks!!


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love Really weak line, for an alright description to follow This is describing me sitting, waiting for her to change her mind. The legs are supporting the chair, the legs are made from my love, my love is what supports me waiting.
This oak, it’s as strong as steel cliche I agree
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship The description is alright, not great. It seems awkwardly put. I agree.


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain Did you forget to post the rest of the poem? A single last line that doesn't add anything.
Ah, I felt this was a good way to end the poem, as I said before, I'm new to this

Maybe this poem was easier to me to understand because I'm aware of the situation that I am in. Overly metaphored maybe? Maybe a bit too personal to be expressed to others.

Either way, I appreciated it, and anymore critique would be great. Changes, different ways to write it, what you would write or how you would phrase it etc.

Thanks!

-Carson

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You ought really try to give this a regular metre and rhythm.
There's several examples, here's the most blatant

Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony

That's the main thing, the 5th and 6th line could usefully be swapped around.
The narrative takes a wrong turn here
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay

watch it decay - would surely make more sense

Thank you! Yes, working on my rhythm is something that I'm attempting to get better with.
I say expect it to decay because that's what I think will happen to it, but "like a fool" I know otherwise.

Thank you for the advice, much appreciated!