The sun rises upon an untouched horizon
Another chance to prove my heart
But first you must take it
Run with it and never look back


Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor
You dropped it with each loosened grasp
You ran away, you have yet to look back
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies
This heart, now covered in Ant bites
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love
This oak, it’s as strong as steel
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain

The sun rises upon an untouched horizon
Another chance to prove my heart First two lines are alright, if not overused
But first you must take it Take what? Your heart?
Run with it and never look back Take your heart where?


Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor Ok, so your heart is hurt
You dropped it with each loosened grasp Why would she drop it?
You ran away, you have yet to look back So she did what you said
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay Unclear what this is all about


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies cliche
This heart, now covered in Ant bites Capitalised ant for no reason
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony I like this metaphor and the explanation, the best part of the poem


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love Really weak line, for an alright description to follow
This oak, it’s as strong as steel cliche
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship The description is alright, not great. It seems awkwardly put.


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain Did you forget to post the rest of the poem? A single last line that doesn't add anything.

Your actual poetic devices are, in some cases, good. I like the ant bite description. The main problem is you've sacrificed any real meaning for things that sound nice. It's about love, and really, that's as much as you can solidly gather. Look at what you want to really get across, and build it around there, rather than think about what sounds nice and try and fit it in.

You ought really try to give this a regular metre and rhythm.
There's several examples, here's the most blatant

Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony

That's the main thing, the 5th and 6th line could usefully be swapped around.
The narrative takes a wrong turn here
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay

watch it decay - would surely make more sense

(04-13-2013, 05:28 AM)UnicornRainbowCake Wrote:  The sun rises upon an untouched horizon
Another chance to prove my heart First two lines are alright, if not overused
But first you must take it Take what? Your heart?
Run with it and never look back Take your heart where?


Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor Ok, so your heart is hurt
You dropped it with each loosened grasp Why would she drop it?
You ran away, you have yet to look back So she did what you said
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay Unclear what this is all about


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies cliche
This heart, now covered in Ant bites Capitalised ant for no reason
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony I like this metaphor and the explanation, the best part of the poem


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love Really weak line, for an alright description to follow
This oak, it’s as strong as steel cliche
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship The description is alright, not great. It seems awkwardly put.


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain Did you forget to post the rest of the poem? A single last line that doesn't add anything.

Your actual poetic devices are, in some cases, good. I like the ant bite description. The main problem is you've sacrificed any real meaning for things that sound nice. It's about love, and really, that's as much as you can solidly gather. Look at what you want to really get across, and build it around there, rather than think about what sounds nice and try and fit it in.

Thanks Amy for your critique!

Maybe I could offer some explanation to the meaning and you could tell me how I could have better phrased things. I'm new at poetry but find it a wonderful way to express emotions. This poem is about falling in mutual love with a married woman, if that offers any better explanation.


The sun rises upon an untouched horizon
Another chance to prove my heart First two lines are alright, if not overused
But first you must take it Take what? Your heart? Yes taking my heart, attempting to give your heart to another person.
Run with it and never look back Take your heart where? Run with it: Meaning to take my heart as her own and letting our love flow, leaving the man she is now with and "not looking back"

Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor Ok, so your heart is hurt Indeed.
You dropped it with each loosened grasp Why would she drop it? Her indecisiveness on if she should stay in her marriage for because of outside influences, or be selfish and give herself to me. she's taken my heart, but hasn't "ran with it"
You ran away, you have yet to look back So she did what you said She ran away, leaving my heart on the ground after dropping it. The reference to the first stanza was my wanting of her to take my heart, not give it up, and be with me. In this stanza I am suggesting she dropped my heart and left it on the ground and then ran away not looking back (choosing to stay in her marriage.)
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay Unclear what this is all about I look at my heart laying on the floor expecting it to decay, suggesting my heart is dying from being plucked from me and thrown on the ground, feeling like I won't find a love this strong again. I say like a fool because I know that this is just temporary and of course I will find love again.


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies cliche Cliche, indeed.
This heart, now covered in Ant bites Capitalised ant for no reason I may be mistaken for some other grammatical reason, but I believe an ant is a proper noun, and all proper nouns are capitalised.
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony I like this metaphor and the explanation, the best part of the poem Thanks!!


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love Really weak line, for an alright description to follow This is describing me sitting, waiting for her to change her mind. The legs are supporting the chair, the legs are made from my love, my love is what supports me waiting.
This oak, it’s as strong as steel cliche I agree
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship The description is alright, not great. It seems awkwardly put. I agree.


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain Did you forget to post the rest of the poem? A single last line that doesn't add anything.
Ah, I felt this was a good way to end the poem, as I said before, I'm new to this

Maybe this poem was easier to me to understand because I'm aware of the situation that I am in. Overly metaphored maybe? Maybe a bit too personal to be expressed to others.

Either way, I appreciated it, and anymore critique would be great. Changes, different ways to write it, what you would write or how you would phrase it etc.

Thanks!

-Carson

---

(04-13-2013, 06:14 AM)ray Wrote:  You ought really try to give this a regular metre and rhythm.
There's several examples, here's the most blatant

Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony

That's the main thing, the 5th and 6th line could usefully be swapped around.
The narrative takes a wrong turn here
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay

watch it decay - would surely make more sense

Thank you! Yes, working on my rhythm is something that I'm attempting to get better with.
I say expect it to decay because that's what I think will happen to it, but "like a fool" I know otherwise.

Thank you for the advice, much appreciated!

I think this is an example of substance over style (although I don’t really believe the two should, or indeed can, be separated)... maybe, high concept poorly executed.

I shall go through some things that I thought when I first read it

the sun rises upon an untouched horizon
another chance to prove my heart --- I like the idea of a new day (untouched horizon), but, ‘to prove my heart’ although it is clear what you mean it sounds hokey. Although it is necessary for the next lines, so what to do?
But first you must take it
Run with it and never look back --- and we think it is a love poem to that ‘special YOU’...

Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor
You dropped it with each loosened grasp --- this makes little sense (not that I am against making little sense, but I suspect it wasn’t your intention not to).
You ran away, you have yet to look back
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay --- ‘it’ has already appeared far to many times.

This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies --- the comma (incidentally a butterfly) is not required.
This heart, now covered with ant bits --- I thought of the old reference of ants to decay and etc... Dali maybe? not sure though. but still kinda liked this line.

Each prick a small, beautiful memory --- you know how to use commas I presume, as you are posting in serious, but I am not sure where I am (if that is the intention, then fair enough, but if not maybe you should consider revising).
What I’d give, to wake in your cocoon, instead of your colony --- ignoring punctuation now, but now we finally get the ‘you’... and the ‘point’ of the poem... was it worth it though?

the last stanza is hardly worth mentioning, so I won’t.

I suspect you have a lot of really cool and interesting ideas, but you have nothing interesting or readable or original in the way you express them. I hesitate to say it, but this is not poetry, it is at best an idea, poorly written.

I don't mean to blast away at your poem with no real reason at all, but I'm going to be honest - there is nothing, whatsoever, that currently speaks about being in love with a married woman. There is no speak of marriage - the actual, direct word. It is probably best to explain what I'd do with this:

You dropped it with each loosened grasp ---- "Her indecisiveness on if she should stay in her marriage for because of outside influences, or be selfish and give herself to me. she's taken my heart, but hasn't "ran with it"

You're trying to explain 3 different points in one line - indecisiveness about marriage, because of outside influences, or being selfish and giving in. People have written books on deciding whether to cheat or not, one who can write it in one line would be hailed a king :-P

Expand on that, make it clear. Perhaps something like (and excuse how terrible it is, examples, examples ):

A binding decision made in vain;
locked inside by your own cage of morals.
Give in and you'd brand yourself selfish -
this is a battle that you'll never win.

If you had a stanza before that introducing that you love her but she's married, blah blah blah, then you'd have some real good understanding given to the reader. Don't scrap what you have, but expand on the good writing you've got. Strengthen it with a tale.

And as far as I know, ant is a common noun, and therefore isn't capitalised. They're horrible creatures either way

just a revision of my last comments. I completely misread this poem. I didn't read the comments before posting my crit. and I was sure it was about something else. I feel like a twat, but I thought it was about war, a soldier, the canker of patriotism... covered by a veil of romantic love. In which case ignore all about 'substance over style' etc. because it lacks both.

(04-13-2013, 07:00 AM)UnicornRainbowCake Wrote:  I don't mean to blast away at your poem with no real reason at all, but I'm going to be honest - there is nothing, whatsoever, that currently speaks about being in love with a married woman. There is no speak of marriage - the actual, direct word. It is probably best to explain what I'd do with this:

You dropped it with each loosened grasp ---- "Her indecisiveness on if she should stay in her marriage for because of outside influences, or be selfish and give herself to me. she's taken my heart, but hasn't "ran with it"

You're trying to explain 3 different points in one line - indecisiveness about marriage, because of outside influences, or being selfish and giving in. People have written books on deciding whether to cheat or not, one who can write it in one line would be hailed a king :-P

Expand on that, make it clear. Perhaps something like (and excuse how terrible it is, examples, examples ):

A binding decision made in vain;
locked inside by your own cage of morals.
Give in and you'd brand yourself selfish -
this is a battle that you'll never win.

If you had a stanza before that introducing that you love her but she's married, blah blah blah, then you'd have some real good understanding given to the reader. Don't scrap what you have, but expand on the good writing you've got. Strengthen it with a tale.

And as far as I know, ant is a common noun, and therefore isn't capitalised. They're horrible creatures either way

No worries for blasting at my poem, I posted this in serious to get the most honest feedback to help me improve. There is no such thing as bad criticism.
Fantastic, I appreciate your reply. I may have put too much into trying to make this poem sound ornate, rather than conveying an actual idea. This poem would be difficult to understand to anyone but the person writing.

Also, I enjoyed your example, well written and displays the idea I am attempting to go for.

Yes, either way, ants are terrible creatures

-Carson

---

(04-13-2013, 07:03 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  just a revision of my last comments. I completely misread this poem. I didn't read the comments before posting my crit. and I was sure it was about something else. I feel like a twat, but I thought it was about war, a soldier, the canker of patriotism... covered by a veil of romantic love. In which case ignore all about 'substance over style' etc. because it lacks both.

Brutal, but honest.

Thank you for both comments on this.

(04-13-2013, 07:03 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  just a revision of my last comments. I completely misread this poem. I didn't read the comments before posting my crit. and I was sure it was about something else. I feel like a twat, but I thought it was about war, a soldier, the canker of patriotism... covered by a veil of romantic love. In which case ignore all about 'substance over style' etc. because it lacks both.

the prerequisite is that we give feedback, not that we read others comments first, in this instance i'd say you feedback was untainted by the feedback or replies of others.

---

there are a glut of clichés. you mix your metaphors to easily. ants do work well with cocoons or butterflies, stick with one per stanza at most or else it gets sticky. pick out the best part and flesh it out with something original. i do get the gist of the poems intent but it's been said a million times in a similar way already. don't mix your metaphors and don't try to be too clever, be honest and straight forword you can add the clever stuff once you have a decent core for your poem.

thanks for the read.

(04-13-2013, 03:14 AM)c_cwilliams Wrote:  The sun rises upon an untouched horizon
Another chance to prove my heart
But first you must take it
Run with it and never look back the last two lines are weak and cliche. you need something more original


Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor another cliche
You dropped it with each loosened grasp feels too wordy, create something more. imagination and originality is the name of the game
You ran away, you have yet to look back
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay again the lines are too wordy


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies
This heart, now covered in Ant bites ant
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love
This oak, it’s as strong as steel
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain not sure what this line means.

(04-13-2013, 03:14 AM)c_cwilliams Wrote:  The sun rises upon an untouched horizon If the sun's rising on this horizon then how is it untouched?
Another chance to prove my heart
But first you must take it
Run with it and never look back I rather like this image of the lover running with the narrator's heart.


Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor
You dropped it with each loosened grasp This line implies that the lover kept dropping it again and again, which I'm not sure makes sense. If the lover keeps dropping it, then why does it matter? The narrator should be used to it by now.
You ran away, you have yet to look back Didn't the narrator tell the lover to never look back? This line suggests that they're angry with the lover for not doing so.
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay The next verse indicates that the heart is decaying, so this line feels redundant.


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies Why are "butterflies" and "ant" in the next line capitalised?
This heart, now covered in Ant bites This is another good image. Dark and gruesome.
Each prick a small, beautiful memory Very good.
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony Subtle and powerful.


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love A neat poetic idea, kind of moving.
This oak, it’s as strong as steel
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship A very good line.


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain This line feels slightly inane, and the poem would be stronger, I think, if it ended on the previous line.

Your narrative and some of your ideas are very muddled, but there's also rich, poetic lines here. I think if you focus a bit more on what you're trying to say about your two characters and love in general then you could make a really spectacular poem. Critique is JMHO, and thanks for the read

(04-13-2013, 09:24 AM)billy Wrote:  

(04-13-2013, 07:03 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  just a revision of my last comments. I completely misread this poem. I didn't read the comments before posting my crit. and I was sure it was about something else. I feel like a twat, but I thought it was about war, a soldier, the canker of patriotism... covered by a veil of romantic love. In which case ignore all about 'substance over style' etc. because it lacks both.

the prerequisite is that we give feedback, not that we read others comments first, in this instance i'd say you feedback was untainted by the feedback or replies of others.

---

there are a glut of clichés. you mix your metaphors to easily. ants do work well with cocoons or butterflies, stick with one per stanza at most or else it gets sticky. pick out the best part and flesh it out with something original. i do get the gist of the poems intent but it's been said a million times in a similar way already. don't mix your metaphors and don't try to be too clever, be honest and straight forword you can add the clever stuff once you have a decent core for your poem.

thanks for the read.

(04-13-2013, 03:14 AM)c_cwilliams Wrote:  The sun rises upon an untouched horizon
Another chance to prove my heart
But first you must take it
Run with it and never look back the last two lines are weak and cliche. you need something more original


Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor another cliche
You dropped it with each loosened grasp feels too wordy, create something more. imagination and originality is the name of the game
You ran away, you have yet to look back
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay again the lines are too wordy


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies
This heart, now covered in Ant bites ant
Each prick a small, beautiful memory
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love
This oak, it’s as strong as steel
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain not sure what this line means.

Thanks for the lovely feedback! I agree, I think I tried to make it too clever without giving the reader a good sense of what I am writing about.

FYI, the last line "Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain" is a reference to star crossed lovers, Romeo and Juliet. "waiting to land" is suggesting we are both waiting for the right time for this relationship to work.

---

(04-13-2013, 10:49 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  

(04-13-2013, 03:14 AM)c_cwilliams Wrote:  The sun rises upon an untouched horizon If the sun's rising on this horizon then how is it untouched?
Another chance to prove my heart
But first you must take it
Run with it and never look back I rather like this image of the lover running with the narrator's heart.


Bruised and battered, it lays on the floor
You dropped it with each loosened grasp This line implies that the lover kept dropping it again and again, which I'm not sure makes sense. If the lover keeps dropping it, then why does it matter? The narrator should be used to it by now.
You ran away, you have yet to look back Didn't the narrator tell the lover to never look back? This line suggests that they're angry with the lover for not doing so.
Like a fool, I sit here and expect it to decay The next verse indicates that the heart is decaying, so this line feels redundant.


This heart, once fluttered with Butterflies Why are "butterflies" and "ant" in the next line capitalised?
This heart, now covered in Ant bites This is another good image. Dark and gruesome.
Each prick a small, beautiful memory Very good.
What I’d give, to awake in your cocoon, instead of your colony Subtle and powerful.


The legs of the chair I wait in, are made from my love A neat poetic idea, kind of moving.
This oak, it’s as strong as steel
But let’s not fool ourselves
We both know time corrodes even the best craftsmanship A very good line.


Crossing stars, waiting to land we remain This line feels slightly inane, and the poem would be stronger, I think, if it ended on the previous line.

Your narrative and some of your ideas are very muddled, but there's also rich, poetic lines here. I think if you focus a bit more on what you're trying to say about your two characters and love in general then you could make a really spectacular poem. Critique is JMHO, and thanks for the read

Fantastic! Thank you for the advice and the kind words!!