of side pony tails and doughnuts

[tectak]

hi tectak
thanks a lot for the comments, I appreciate them. I think you're right--I was worried this was too prosey because there weren't a whole lot of poetic elements in it. however I'm having a bit of trouble understanding exactly what you're recommending-- how do you suggest restructuring it? counting out syllables for each line, like you did at the beginning, and keep that running all the way through? that's doable, but is it worth it? I have some ideas, but if you could just restate your thoughts it would help a lot. thanks. =]
-cloudy

a note about rhythm - it is never syllables, it is always feet. If you wanted to add some rhythm, I would say just switch to some iambics where you want it to go fast and a trochaic or a fem ending if you want the reader to pause. ex:
milo is, of course, correct. I intimated that syllabic rhythm was more achievable IF you wanted to be precious over your short lines. As you can judge from milos suggested rehash the lines COULD be combined into longer ones made up of your whole stanzas.Longer lines give you more room to manoeuver and for that reason alone I would give it a go.
The shock will be the realisaton of how short your poem becomes!
I confess I am
getting a little weary
of
the postings that
are stuck up for
serious crit
which use this
fraudulent device.
Call me long winded and I'll call you shortly.
Best,
tectak

A 5 years old
I couldn't hear
my mother's glottal accent.

I was the stubborn drama queen
with a side-pony tail. (the spondee works here)

Big brother was my idol
I envied his striped
dinosaur blanket.


etc, etc