revision 2 with longer lines

Five years old, and I couldn't hear my mother's latin accent.

There were four of us then, me, the family’s side-pony tailed, stubborn queen of antics.
The little ones were boring baaaaabies; I ignored them with a careless toss of my hair.
But older brother was my idol, how I envied his striped dinosaur blanket, his big, cool friends.

That day we went grocery shopping; always a delicious adventure for big brother and me,
as we quietly littered the aisles with pistachio shells snuck from bulk food bins,
and mom pretended not to see. She reached and handed down a glazed doughnut
to each; we munched them through the aisles, forgot to beg for brand-name cereal.
She paid by showing the cashier our sticky faces and two waxy bakery papers, empty.

Tummies full, we felt somewhat devious, schemed into ears with cupped hands.
Under the egg cartons we silently slipped the new Carmen Sandiego VHS, just out.
I don’t really remember, but it was probably my idea… me, the sneaky sister.
Baby brother distracted mom at checkout. Her spidey sense tingled as we wrapped fingers
around the cart’s wire basket, and our little lying faces spoke of an illicit triumph.

We couldn't hear her accent. But that day, the whole parking lot did.



revision (thanks to milo and billy)

5 years old
and I couldn't hear
my mother's accent.

There were four of us,
I was the side-pony tailed,
stubborn queen of antics.

Big brother was my idol
oh I envied
his striped dinosaur blanket.

He envied right back
my room to myself.
(Even if it was pink.)

I ignored my little brothers
with a toss of my hair.
Anyway, they were boring.

That day we went grocery shopping;
always a delicious adventure
for big brother and me.

We littered pistachio shells
snuck from bulk food bins;
mom pretended not to see.

She got us glazed doughnuts
we munched them through the aisles,
forgot to beg for brand-name cereal.

She paid by showing the cashier
our sticky faces and two
waxy bakery papers, empty.

Feeling somewhat devious, we schemed
and under the egg cartons, slipped
the new Carmen Sandiego VHS, just out.

I don’t really remember,
but it was probably my idea…
me, the sneaky sister.

Baby brother distracted mom at checkout
but our little lying faces told
of an illicit triumph.

We couldn't hear her accent.
But that day,
the whole parking lot did.


original

I was 5 years old
and couldn't hear
my mother's accent.

There we four of us then,
I was the side-pony tailed,
stubborn queen of drama.

Big brother was my idol
how I envied
his striped dinosaur blanket.

How he envied
my room to myself.
(Even if it was pink.)

But I ignored my little brothers
with a toss of my hair.
Anyway, they were boring.

That day we went grocery shopping,
always a delicious adventure
for big brother and me.

Mom pretended not to see
as we littered pistachio shells,
snuck from bulk food bins.

She got us glazed doughnuts
we munched them through the aisles,
forgot to beg for brand-name cereal.

(She paid by showing the cashier
our sticky faces and two
waxy bakery papers, empty.)

Feeling devious that day, we schemed
and under the egg carton, snuck
the new Carmen Sandiego VHS, just out.

Baby brother distracted her at checkout
but our little lying faces told
of an illicit triumph.

We couldn't hear her accent.
But that day,
the whole parking lot did.

(04-05-2013, 02:06 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  I was 5 years old
and couldn't hear
my mother's accent.

There we four of us then,
I was the side-pony tailed,
stubborn queen of drama.

Big brother was my idol
how I envied
his striped dinosaur blanket.

How he envied
my room to myself.
(Even if it was pink.)

But I ignored my little brothers
with a toss of my hair.
Anyway, they were boring.

That day we went grocery shopping,
always a delicious adventure
for big brother and me.

Mom pretended not to see
as we littered pistachio shells,
snuck from bulk food bins.

She got us glazed doughnuts
we munched them through the aisles,
forgot to beg for brand-name cereal.

(She paid by showing the cashier
our sticky faces and two
waxy bakery papers, empty.)

Feeling devious that day, we schemed
and under the egg carton, snuck
the new Carmen Sandiego VHS, just out.

Baby brother distracted her at checkout
but our little lying faces told
of an illicit triumph.

We couldn't hear her accent.
But that day,
the whole parking lot did.

Very sweet and well written piece. My favorite:
Baby brother distracted her at checkout
but our little lying faces told
of an illicit triumph.

little lying faces/illicit triumph. Fantastic!

Heart, that's so nice, thank you. =]
and actually it was your poem in miscellaneous that got me wanting to write about childhood, so thanks for the inspiration as well ;D

to milo, billy et all-- sometimes I stray too far over to the prose side. did I do that here? thoughts appreciated. thanks. =]

(04-06-2013, 01:05 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  to milo, billy et all-- sometimes I stray too far over to the prose side. did I do that here? thoughts appreciated. thanks. =]

For the most part, I don't find this too prosey at all, I like the voice, I like the specifics. There is a grammar error or a typo or something in L4 that keeps throwing me every time I read it.

I didn't care for "queen of drama", I know you are trying to escape the cliche but for me, I am hearing the cliche anyway. Also, in the "How I envy . ." parts, I don't think you need "how" but you do need something for balance, tough to say what.

"illicit" feels a little alien to the rest of your voicing but that could just be me.

Thank you for an enjoyable read.

milo

milo,

wow thanks for catching that in L4, my brain automatically corrected it. (should be "there were", I'll change it)
I'll play with "queen of drama" (I think I was being lazy there...) and the "how"s, see what I come up with.
I see your point about illicit... I'll give it some thought but my gut reaction is to keep it. hmm.
thanks a lot for helping out! =]

cloudy


___________________________

revision posted. now that I have confirmation this isn't terrible, I'd like to move it to serious. ;p
but I'm not sure how...?

hi jc
i think some parts are unnecessary. we know it you in the first line because your mothers cccent tells us so, 'I was' isn't needed.
further down
there were for of us then

were = then
you used snuck twice, it being an uncommon word the fact stands out more, could one of them be changed. some good solid images that work well in telling a realist story of something kids would do. good edit. i don't think it's too prose but that you asked the question, i get the idea you feel it might be.

thanks for the read.

(04-05-2013, 02:06 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  revision

I was 5 years old
and couldn't hear
my mother's accent.

There were four of us then,
I was the side-pony tailed,
stubborn queen of antics. my two girls were the same

Big brother was my idol
oh I envied
his striped dinosaur blanket. nice little image that made me smile

He envied right back
my room to myself.
(Even if it was pink.)

Yet I ignored my little brothers is 'yet' needed?
with a toss of my hair.
Anyway, they were boring. typical girl, captured well

That day we went grocery shopping;
always a delicious adventure
for big brother and me.

Mom pretended not to see
as we littered pistachio shells,
snuck from bulk food bins. would it work better if the 1st line were the last and 'as' was removed?

She got us glazed doughnuts
we munched them through the aisles,
forgot to beg for brand-name cereal.

(She paid by showing the cashier
our sticky faces and two
waxy bakery papers, empty.) an honest women not sure the parenthesis are needed

Feeling somewhat devious, we schemed
and under the egg cartons, snuck
the new Carmen Sandiego VHS, just out.

I don’t really remember,
but it was probably my idea…
me, the sneaky sister.

Baby brother distracted mom at checkout
but our little lying faces told
of an illicit triumph.

We couldn't hear her accent.
But that day,
the whole parking lot did. solid ending



original

I was 5 years old
and couldn't hear
my mother's accent.

There we four of us then,
I was the side-pony tailed,
stubborn queen of drama.

Big brother was my idol
how I envied
his striped dinosaur blanket.

How he envied
my room to myself.
(Even if it was pink.)

But I ignored my little brothers
with a toss of my hair.
Anyway, they were boring.

That day we went grocery shopping,
always a delicious adventure
for big brother and me.

Mom pretended not to see
as we littered pistachio shells,
snuck from bulk food bins.

She got us glazed doughnuts
we munched them through the aisles,
forgot to beg for brand-name cereal.

(She paid by showing the cashier
our sticky faces and two
waxy bakery papers, empty.)

Feeling devious that day, we schemed
and under the egg carton, snuck
the new Carmen Sandiego VHS, just out.

Baby brother distracted her at checkout
but our little lying faces told
of an illicit triumph.

We couldn't hear her accent.
But that day,
the whole parking lot did.

thank you billy! I didn't even realize I had used "snuck" twice, thank you, plus yes I agree some of the words are redundant. thanks so much for your time and your thoughts, I'll work your ideas into the revision.

_________
done. really appreciate it.
could you or leanne move this to serious please? or should I just repost it there?

-cloudy

Maybe if Todd's listening, he can move it to Serious. I saw he's online now. Or do that private message thing.

(04-05-2013, 02:06 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  revision (thanks to milo and billy)
Hi cloudy, a line by line on this delightful piece of 1st person narrative, and that is what it is. Comments both ways on the prosiness ( Shit...I am becoming Serge) of it but for me you still need to have SOME poetic device in evidence to get away with the lack of meter and rhyme...it is that difficult to define thing...rhythm.
5 years oldNit. Always best to write numbers. Five years old.
and I couldn't hear
my mother's accent. So..rhythm. Best you can use in such short lines (why?) is syllable count. 3,5,5 in this "stanza". Triplets imply that you are making a stand against rhyme...so I can expect 3,5,5 in the next stanza?
There were four of us,
I was the side-pony tailed,
stubborn queen of antics.5,7(8?),7...huh? I am going to back off on this now. You see, there is an apple-pie naievety in the language which is pleasantly acceptable...but once accepted, tends to argue the case for story telling. You may as well just write the whole thing out in paragraphs and abandon any delusions of poetic endeavour. Yes. That is what I advise. This happens more and more on this (and other) site(s). A few good thoughts get stuck up and strung out in short lines to masquerade as poetry...but it ain't. It is the easy way out and forces crits to praise mediocrity. Could you consider restructuring?
Big brother was my idol Punctuate. Semi colon would be good. I read it out loud.
oh I envied Wrong use of "oh". When used this way it is an implied answer to a previous question. Normally you would then go on with a rebuttal. "Were you jealous of your brother? Oh, I envied his big, striped dinosaur blanket BUT I guess I idolised him, too." If this is a correct analysis then you need to restructure the stanza. If incorrect, then the "oh" is a redundant dramatic cliche...your poem.
his striped dinosaur blanket.

He envied right back
my room to myself. Syntax errors here. This makes no sense
(Even if it was pink.) Semi or full colon after "myself" and drop the brackets. Brackets are used as an "aside" to insert prerogative information but by using the word "even" you are disavowing the reader of that privilege as the implication is that the colour is a known.

I ignored my little brothers
with a toss of my hair.
Anyway, they were boring. Again, saved by the simplicity of immature logic. Nice.
That day we went grocery shopping;
always a delicious adventure
for big brother and me.

We littered pistachio shells
snuck from bulk food bins;
mom pretended not to see. You are on a roll. Even got a serendip rhyme in.Me and see....longer lines?

She got us glazed doughnuts
we munched them through the aisles,
forgot to beg for brand-name cereal.

She paid by showing the cashier
our sticky faces and two
waxy bakery papers, empty.

Feeling somewhat devious, we schemed
and under the egg cartons, slipped
the new Carmen Sandiego VHS, just out.

I don’t really remember,
but it was probably my idea…
me, the sneaky sister.

Baby brother distracted mom at checkout
but our little lying faces told Loving it
of an illicit triumph.

We couldn't hear her accent.
But that day,
the whole parking lot did.
From last comment to here it is honey. Really, worth restructuring. Go on....you know you want to!
Best,
tectak

original

I was 5 years old
and couldn't hear
my mother's accent.

There we four of us then,
I was the side-pony tailed,
stubborn queen of drama.

Big brother was my idol
how I envied
his striped dinosaur blanket.

How he envied
my room to myself.
(Even if it was pink.)

But I ignored my little brothers
with a toss of my hair.
Anyway, they were boring.

That day we went grocery shopping,
always a delicious adventure
for big brother and me.

Mom pretended not to see
as we littered pistachio shells,
snuck from bulk food bins.

She got us glazed doughnuts
we munched them through the aisles,
forgot to beg for brand-name cereal.

(She paid by showing the cashier
our sticky faces and two
waxy bakery papers, empty.)

Feeling devious that day, we schemed
and under the egg carton, snuck
the new Carmen Sandiego VHS, just out.

Baby brother distracted her at checkout
but our little lying faces told
of an illicit triumph.

We couldn't hear her accent.
But that day,
the whole parking lot did.

hi tectak
thanks a lot for the comments, I appreciate them. I think you're right--I was worried this was too prosey because there weren't a whole lot of poetic elements in it. however I'm having a bit of trouble understanding exactly what you're recommending-- how do you suggest restructuring it? counting out syllables for each line, like you did at the beginning, and keep that running all the way through? that's doable, but is it worth it? I have some ideas, but if you could just restate your thoughts it would help a lot. thanks. =]
-cloudy

(04-09-2013, 11:47 PM)justcloudy Wrote:  hi tectak
thanks a lot for the comments, I appreciate them. I think you're right--I was worried this was too prosey because there weren't a whole lot of poetic elements in it. however I'm having a bit of trouble understanding exactly what you're recommending-- how do you suggest restructuring it? counting out syllables for each line, like you did at the beginning, and keep that running all the way through? that's doable, but is it worth it? I have some ideas, but if you could just restate your thoughts it would help a lot. thanks. =]
-cloudy

a note about rhythm - it is never syllables, it is always feet. If you wanted to add some rhythm, I would say just switch to some iambics where you want it to go fast and a trochaic or a fem ending if you want the reader to pause. ex:

A 5 years old
I couldn't hear
my mother's glottal accent.

I was the stubborn drama queen
with a side-pony tail. (the spondee works here)

Big brother was my idol
I envied his striped
dinosaur blanket.


etc, etc

(04-10-2013, 06:37 AM)milo Wrote:  

(04-09-2013, 11:47 PM)justcloudy Wrote:  hi tectak
thanks a lot for the comments, I appreciate them. I think you're right--I was worried this was too prosey because there weren't a whole lot of poetic elements in it. however I'm having a bit of trouble understanding exactly what you're recommending-- how do you suggest restructuring it? counting out syllables for each line, like you did at the beginning, and keep that running all the way through? that's doable, but is it worth it? I have some ideas, but if you could just restate your thoughts it would help a lot. thanks. =]
-cloudy

a note about rhythm - it is never syllables, it is always feet. If you wanted to add some rhythm, I would say just switch to some iambics where you want it to go fast and a trochaic or a fem ending if you want the reader to pause. ex:
milo is, of course, correct. I intimated that syllabic rhythm was more achievable IF you wanted to be precious over your short lines. As you can judge from milos suggested rehash the lines COULD be combined into longer ones made up of your whole stanzas.Longer lines give you more room to manoeuver and for that reason alone I would give it a go.
The shock will be the realisaton of how short your poem becomes!
I confess I am
getting a little weary
of
the postings that
are stuck up for
serious crit
which use this
fraudulent device.
Call me long winded and I'll call you shortly.
Best,
tectak

A 5 years old
I couldn't hear
my mother's glottal accent.

I was the stubborn drama queen
with a side-pony tail. (the spondee works here)

Big brother was my idol
I envied his striped
dinosaur blanket.


etc, etc

the rythm question that's been hovering round your poem.
i'm fine with long or short,blank or free verse. what i want is for the poem to resonate with me. after that you can tweak the structure. as it is, both long and short work for me. what would i prefer. i'd prefer a longer line mainly because it's a narrative poem

Five years old, and I couldn't
hear my mother's broad accent.
There were three siblings and me
I was the side-pony tailed,
the stubborn queen of antics.

not a rewrite, just a suggestion or way to go. ( the suggestion can be easily improved on) i love the edit you did. and like i said , the short lines don't cause me distress.
though i did notice three 'but's' in the last three stanza. are any of them needed? (i missed them first time round )

(04-05-2013, 02:06 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  revision (thanks to milo and billy)

5 years old
and I couldn't hear
my mother's accent.

There were four of us,
I was the side-pony tailed,
stubborn queen of antics.

Big brother was my idol
oh I envied
his striped dinosaur blanket.

He envied right back
my room to myself.
(Even if it was pink.)

I ignored my little brothers
with a toss of my hair.
Anyway, they were boring.

That day we went grocery shopping;
always a delicious adventure
for big brother and me.

We littered pistachio shells
snuck from bulk food bins;
mom pretended not to see.

She got us glazed doughnuts
we munched them through the aisles,
forgot to beg for brand-name cereal.

She paid by showing the cashier
our sticky faces and two
waxy bakery papers, empty.

Feeling somewhat devious, we schemed
and under the egg cartons, slipped
the new Carmen Sandiego VHS, just out.

I don’t really remember,
but it was probably my idea…
me, the sneaky sister.

Baby brother distracted mom at checkout
but our little lying faces told
of an illicit triumph.

We couldn't hear her accent.
But that day,
the whole parking lot did.

"where. in the world. Is. Carmen Sandiego " da na na da dana dan nana"

thanks all so much for your valuable input. =]
I'm with billy inasmuch as short lines or long lines both work for me. I generally tend towards shorter but can change that without too much issue. since this is a narrative, as pointed out, maybe longer is better. I'll play with it. my only thing is I'm generally happy with the content and don't want to change it too drastically, but I'll try to figure something out.
thanks all again.
ps this is a true story and I still remember what episode of Carmen Sandiego it was ;D

(04-10-2013, 08:26 PM)justcloudy Wrote:  thanks all so much for your valuable input. =]
I'm with billy inasmuch as short lines or long lines both work for me. I generally tend towards shorter but can change that without too much issue. since this is a narrative, as pointed out, maybe longer is better. I'll play with it. my only thing is I'm generally happy with the content and don't want to change it too drastically, but I'll try to figure something out.
thanks all again.
ps this is a true story and I still remember what episode of Carmen Sandiego it was ;D

I used to love that show! Great poem btw very nostalgic for me.

thanks true. ^____^

ok, I've posted a revision with longer lines. not to antagonize you tectak, but I couldn't put in a set rhythm. it just didn't work for this poem, it warped my words and was more distracting than anything else. maybe that's because I'm less skilled than others, but anyway I like this one open. of course you're right though, it tends towards prose now, especially with the longer lines.

I'd love some thoughts, because I'm not sure myself if this is an improvement.

thanks all.
-cloudy