04-10-2013, 01:43 AM
Hi Zero,
I'm really sorry but at the moment I cannot get past your use of the word Lay, which to my understanding is just wrong.
The verbs to lie and to lay have very different meanings. Simply put, to lie means “to rest,” “to assume or be situated in a horizontal position,” and to lay means “to put or place.”
It would appear that you wish to convey an ongoing position of resting or being in a reclined position so I think you need to be using lie. (I read lay as an action word done to an object so you lay a person to rest in a grave for example).
I thought the concept / poem subject was worthy of exploring further, but you have used a lot of cliches and some of the thoughts / emotions come across as a bit overdone.
I like the image in your first stanza, of being as lonley as the sky and you kept some connection to the image of darkness through the rest of the poem which I think would be nice and would strengthen your poem if you made more of this image connection.
The basic idea of lieing and looking up and drawing the reader to the sky and then back down to connect with the person of desire is nice. I think there is plenty in here that is worth working with.
AJ
I'm really sorry but at the moment I cannot get past your use of the word Lay, which to my understanding is just wrong.
The verbs to lie and to lay have very different meanings. Simply put, to lie means “to rest,” “to assume or be situated in a horizontal position,” and to lay means “to put or place.”
It would appear that you wish to convey an ongoing position of resting or being in a reclined position so I think you need to be using lie. (I read lay as an action word done to an object so you lay a person to rest in a grave for example).
I thought the concept / poem subject was worthy of exploring further, but you have used a lot of cliches and some of the thoughts / emotions come across as a bit overdone.
I like the image in your first stanza, of being as lonley as the sky and you kept some connection to the image of darkness through the rest of the poem which I think would be nice and would strengthen your poem if you made more of this image connection.
The basic idea of lieing and looking up and drawing the reader to the sky and then back down to connect with the person of desire is nice. I think there is plenty in here that is worth working with.
AJ