Suburbia Advertisement

[Truerenigma]

hi there
also being american I can appreciate this, makes me think of chicago. however, as true pointed out it's rather... claustrophobic. which would work if you were writing about the inner city, but not so much about our beloved suburbs. (and I can't find much different between the original and the edit...?)

I'd suggest:
make separate stanzas that will mirror the separateness within the suburbs.
maybe have the first line as the title instead?
I can picture what you're describing here, but for non-Americans / to make it more interesting you could describe things a bit more. what kind of fences? chain link? wood, high, painted white? cute picket fences? (depends on the neighborhood really, doesn't it). why is the country boring?
many of your ideas don't link to one another. driving with the windows down, for example, and why "détente"? isn't that an uppity-city-dweller word? (from their perspective)

anyway I like your effort, I like the idea, but it really does need some reworking.
hope this was helpful!
-cloudy

Cloudy had some good ideas for you here.
Try spacing it out into short stanzas and try to keep the ideas within the stanzas connected.

---

Thanks trueenigma, input greatly appreciated. I've done an edit, hopefully pairs it down a bit.

Sorry about the typos man. I sent that from my phone,i meant you almost lost me at the plus sign.