Hi, I read your comment on cliches. The problem is they have no value now. At one time, cliches were original and fresh. They are dead now. The trick is to write fresh, original phrasing that may one day become cliche.
You have a nice title. The poem though doesn't really build on the title. In addition to the previous comments you've received, I'd add that there are moments your syntax makes the line seem affected and a bit overwrought (i.e., deemed but a futile plight). Also, line breaks on words like the come across erratic and choppy. The biggest issue I have though is the content just doesn't say much. It's a letdown from an interesting title.
Just thoughts,
Todd
You have a nice title. The poem though doesn't really build on the title. In addition to the previous comments you've received, I'd add that there are moments your syntax makes the line seem affected and a bit overwrought (i.e., deemed but a futile plight). Also, line breaks on words like the come across erratic and choppy. The biggest issue I have though is the content just doesn't say much. It's a letdown from an interesting title.
Just thoughts,
Todd
(04-06-2013, 06:48 PM)elizabethvisser Wrote: forward moving - backward thinking
young minds burdened
thoughts? imprisoned.
fate: sealed.
flying, flying!
falling?
fallen.
but time passes,
runs out -
and the
stars that burn the
brightest
fall so fast
and
pass
you
by.
- the odyssey of existence
deemed
but a futile plight
and so
eventually, or is it suddenly?
the heart once
determined, demanding...
is bruised, broken, bare -
and yet
you’re still searching,
but
plunging further into
darkness,
searching, searching
sinking
sunk,
throat burning
of words
unsaid,
adventure
ignored,
seconds
neglected -
- and then?
relief.
alas,
moments, memories,
me,
gone.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson