04-06-2013, 04:47 AM
it does work better like this, nice job.
a few points:
--something that isn't quite clear in this incarnation is WHY she said it, but I'm not sure if that'd just be distracting. your call.
--maybe put the fact that she's so young further up, might help the reader understand why it's such a big deal.
--"(not ours)" really isn't necessary, it's pretty clear you're caterers or waiters or something.
--I dunno if those are the people's real names, Henna, Sam and Peter, but for me the two very normal names with a quite unusual one was more distracting than anything.
anyway well done on the edit. thanks for sharing.
-cloudy
a few points:
--something that isn't quite clear in this incarnation is WHY she said it, but I'm not sure if that'd just be distracting. your call.
--maybe put the fact that she's so young further up, might help the reader understand why it's such a big deal.
--"(not ours)" really isn't necessary, it's pretty clear you're caterers or waiters or something.
--I dunno if those are the people's real names, Henna, Sam and Peter, but for me the two very normal names with a quite unusual one was more distracting than anything.
anyway well done on the edit. thanks for sharing.
-cloudy
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.