hi catdog
serious crit can be harsh if a poem isn't prepared.
i'm moving it to novice, not because it's written in the archaic but because it isn't up to the sort of standard required for serious critique.
the archaic character of the poem feels awkward and needs some attention in getting it to flow properly. a big problem is the syntax, lines 2,3,4 and 5 need a rewrite at present they don't mesh with each other, either in olde english or modern. also be on the look out for well won phrases (cliche) you start with one and that's often a poem killer in and of itself.
don't be despondent with the feedback, work on the poem with an edit and you see how good a poem you can write
serious crit can be harsh if a poem isn't prepared.
i'm moving it to novice, not because it's written in the archaic but because it isn't up to the sort of standard required for serious critique.
(04-02-2013, 06:12 PM)catdog Wrote: Must beauty's warm embrace
Take always their worthy place,
Those lads nearest the breast?
Destined is love to cost
Thy those dearest,
Felt not in body but spirit.
And thus resent that rose,
Forced to forfeit the sun
For the sake of the garden.[/font]
the archaic character of the poem feels awkward and needs some attention in getting it to flow properly. a big problem is the syntax, lines 2,3,4 and 5 need a rewrite at present they don't mesh with each other, either in olde english or modern. also be on the look out for well won phrases (cliche) you start with one and that's often a poem killer in and of itself.
don't be despondent with the feedback, work on the poem with an edit and you see how good a poem you can write
(04-02-2013, 06:12 PM)catdog Wrote: Must beauty's warm embrace
Take always their worthy place,
Those lads nearest the breast?
Destined is love to cost
Thy those dearest,
Felt not in body but spirit.
And thus resent that rose,
Forced to forfeit the sun
For the sake of the garden.[/font]