kith

[milo]

"may actually be worse."
to soothe you; Nope. ;-)

I like this expression:

I suitcase away these sorrows.

and so on

ty, Serge, I am settling on the revision being better as well.

milo

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the word changes make it flow , the low before placed an image in the mind that contradicted the lamb, now it it doesn't the other word changes work well, though slough held me up.

the new quatrain works better simply because it's simply done.

i'm not struggling with the meter of the 2nd lines any more but wonder if they'd be better were the of a sameness, meter-wise. i pig shit thick when it comes to meter but i still falter on the 2nd lines.

good edit.

Thanks billy, I definitely agree on the new quatrain, I am still struggling with "low"

For now< I know I definitely prefer the assymetry here, though I do have a symmetrical version I could post.

thanks
milo